Lessons from the Empty Nest

I read a book a few years ago, Unashamed by Heather Nelson, that undid me. Her chapter on parenting and shame deeply convicted me, and I went to my daughter in tears asking for her forgiveness. That undoing was the beginning of a positive change in our relationship. Better communication, better listening, and better understanding along with the help of a great Christian counselor. We're still learning and growing, but I am also aware of the times when I failed her and probably contributed to some of the issues she is presently dealing with. This knowledge is one of the reasons why I want to swoop in and make things all right thinking that perhaps I can make it up to her and undo the past.

This very issue came up in a recent conversation when I was beginning to worry about her, though I said nothing. Thankfully, my daughter could read between the pauses and picked up on my fear. She called me out to her credit. When I finally admitted that my desire to try to help her stemmed from wanting to make up for the past, she reminded me that I can't atone for myself. And she also gently reminded me that's why I need Jesus.

The gospel is the only remedy for mom guilt. I can't atone for my sins as a parent, which is why Jesus died. I could never be the perfect Christian parent, which is why Jesus lived. And his atoning work and righteousness revealed apart from the law is received by faith - in him - alone.

As hard as I tried and still try to be a good mom, God is her perfect parent, the all-wise, all-loving Father who is really responsible for all the details of her life. I will fail again, but He cannot. I will misjudge and misunderstand, but He sees and knows perfectly. My presence and influence are limited now. He never leaves nor forsakes. He restores. He renews. And the only way she could be disinherited is if her Father becomes displeased with the work of the Son.¹ As a middle-aged empty-nester, I need that fatherly care just as much.

They say you never outgrow being a parent. Well, you never outgrow being a child of God.


1. If you want to be encouraged, here are some messages on the doctrine of adoption. The source of that sentence is from the first talk by my pastor. (My struggles came to light the evening after the conference when adoption was fresh in my mind. God is so kind.)

(This post was originally shared on my personal blog in September 2019)

Ten lessons for growing older

Life becomes harder and more complicated when you grow old. I'm not all the way there yet, but my parents are. We moved my mom into memory care a couple months ago, and I will be heading back in a few weeks to move my dad into assisted living. The packing and physical move were the easy part. The hard part is the emotional and mental adjustment to living in a new place, which is difficult for anyone let alone for someone with Alzheimer's or frail health. I'm thankful for my parents and how God has kept them, but I also want to use this situation to learn now before it becomes harder to do so. On the drive home, I shared with my daughter some lessons I want to learn while I still can. I wrote them down to help me remember. Maybe they will help you too.

1. Don't wait to de-clutter. The saying goes, "You can't take it with you," and maybe my daughter won't want to take it with her either. Ask what items would be meaningful to her and don't assume that she has the same attachment. Give things away so others can use and enjoy them now.

2. Accept my mortality. I will grow old and die barring Christ's return in my lifetime. Make plans accordingly in wisdom, not in fear. Prepared legal documents make decisions and transitions easier.

3. Accept my present limitations with humility and the limitations of others with compassion. This will prepare me as my limitations grow.

4. Learn to accept change and receive help now while it is easier to adjust. Refusing help and resisting change makes it harder for those who have my best interests at heart.

5. Learn to give up control. It's an illusion anyway because the Lord is the only one who is truly in control. To quote a good friend, "God's got it." I don't and realizing it will make the reality of not being in control much easier.

6. Invest in community. People and the memories we make with them matter more than stuff.

7. Cultivate patience. I will only need it more, not less, in the future.

8. Build a solid foundation of the doctrine of God. A small, weak, and truncated God will not withstand the trials of aging. "When all around my soul gives way, He then is all my hope and stay."

9. Find my ultimate worth and meaning in Christ, not in what I do or in my physical and mental abilities.

10. While I should take care of this temple of the Holy Spirit, there is a better body awaiting for me that will never know what it is to be sick or to sin. Hope in the resurrection of the body and the life everlasting.

Photo credit: By Jules Grandgagnage [CC BY-SA 4.0  (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0)], from Wikimedia Commons
(Updated from a previous post on my personal blog.)

Finding Grace in the Face of Dementia: Review and a Giveaway

Finding Grace in the Face of Dementia, John Dunlop MD, Crossway, 2017, 207 pages.

Dementia is a word that can strike fear in our hearts. Over 6 million Americans have dementia, and that number is only going to increase. One-third of seniors will die from this disease. In the face of these grim statistics, is there any hope? Is it possible to find the grace of God in the face of dementia?

Author, Dr. John Dunlop, believes this is possible. He is a practicing geriatrician with over 30 years experience. He has walked this path with both of his parents and his mother-in-law. And he is a brother-in-Christ who believes that God's grace is sufficient even for a disease such as this.

Finding Grace in the Face of Dementia covers medical information and practical advice such as:

- How do our brains normally work and what happens when they don't?
- What are the different types of dementia? How are they diagnosed? Can they be prevented and treated?
- What is the progression of the disease? What challenges do patients face and what changes will they undergo? How can we treat them with respect as people made in God's image?
- What is the emotional, physical, and spiritual toll on caregivers? What support can we give them? When is it time to consider a nursing home/memory care?
- How do we provide the best care and comfort at the end?

But in addition, this book addresses the spiritual side of the equation. There is a whole chapter devoted to how the church can help. The author gives suggestions for proactive teaching on suffering and honoring the image of God in all people, even when their bodies and minds fail them. I was especially encouraged that this trial can be a means of strengthening the faith of not only caregivers but for the patients themselves. This is an opportunity to grow in prayer as we grieve and make our requests known, but we can also grow in worship and thanksgiving for God's grace and provision. This gives the body of Christ avenues for demonstrating love through practical service. I also appreciated Dr. Dunlop's reminders from the Word of what awaits the Christian dementia patient when they have finished the race. They have hope for "the resurrection of the body and the life everlasting" where disease and death are no more and every tear is wiped away.

When I found out about this book, I was very eager to read it. My mother suffers from memory loss, and it is challenging to support my family from afar. There are decisions to be made and even more unknowns. Thus it seems overwhelming at times. The practical insight in Finding Grace has helped me better understand what my mom faces day to day, what to expect in the future, and considerations for her well-being and those ministering to her. It has reminded me again that God wasn't caught off guard by this diagnosis. He has a purpose, but He is not remote from this situation. The Lord loves her and is intimately involved in the concerns of my family. So I am thankful that Dr. Dunlop wrote this book for folks like me.

I highly recommend Finding Grace in the Face of Dementia for family members, friends, pastors, and for those who are diagnosed with this disease. It offers practical wisdom but also points us to the ultimate source of comfort - the God of all grace.

We are giving away a copy of Finding Grace in the Face of Dementia. Please enter your contact information below. The winner will be announced Tuesday, September 26. Thanks for entering!

(The giveaway has ended.)

You can purchase this book from Crossway | WTS Books | Amazon | CBD | Book Depository

 

Letting Go and Letting God

My children are all grown now, and there are many joys that come with this. There have been wonderful sons and daughters-in-law added to the family, and grandchildren, too. I am reaping welcome rewards for the many years I spent rearing my children.

But I will also admit that this is the hardest stage of parenting for me. Rebellious teenagers were still ultimately under my control. But now? I can give advice when asked, but I really don’t have a say in how my adult children lead their lives. I no longer have control over them.

My sons and daughters are, for the most part, sensible and hard-working. There is much to be proud of, and no good reason for me to be anxious, but I am. Each one of my children was my responsibility for eighteen years, and it is hard to let go. It is difficult to see them making decisions I wouldn’t make, taking risks I wouldn’t take, doing things I wouldn’t do. And I still want to protect them. Truth be told, I still want to control them.

My youngest son, who is in his twenties, likes to camp in the wilderness—the kind of wilderness with no cell coverage—alone with his dog. His truck is old, and although it’s been trustworthy so far, let’s be honest: An old vehicle can break down any time. And then there are bears. The bears in the north have been behaving badly this year. Logically, I know that if my son’s truck broke down, he’d be able to hike out. And despite a few publicized bear incidents, it is still unlikely that one will bother him. Yet every time he goes camping, I am anxious until he returns safely.

I have a friend who tells me he was a risk-loving, wild teenager. He once asked his father how he survived his son's daring teenaged years.

“On my knees,” his father answered. “On my knees.”

I’m learning this lesson, too. Persistent pleas to our faithful God are as crucial to parents of grown or nearly-grown sons and daughters as they are to parents of babies and toddlers. Our children leave our care, but they never leave his. They may be beyond our control, but they are never beyond his.

Our good and faithful God is always with us, and he is always with our children, too. He hears our pleas when we can’t voice them to our kids. He can be trusted when our sons and daughters can’t.

“Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God . . . casting your anxieties on him, because he cares for you” — and your adult children, too (1 Peter 5:6-7).

Learning to let go

When my daughter was learning to drive, I was determined to not be one of those parents who gasped, yelled, or reached over to grab the steering wheel. If I was calm, she would remain calm, and all would go well. Thankfully, she was required to take a behind-the-wheel class from a qualified instructor who was not winging it like me. There were no mishaps, and she was now armed with a driver's license. The next milestone was the first time she drove on strange roads to a new place. At night. In the dark. Alone. 

I asked her to call me when she reached her destination and to call again when she was coming home. I was determined to not be one of those parents who was constantly checking the phone or the clock, but I began to get nervous when the minutes ticked by. When she called upon her arrival, I was so relieved. However, she left much later than I had hoped, so I stayed up and alternated between praying and worrying. Thankfully, there were no mishaps, and the baby bird came back safely to the nest. Since that first time, she has taken other journeys farther from home, so I have had to learn to let go and not fret quite so much. 

You probably have your own stories of when your children first learned to drive and that first big trip alone in the dark. But what about the spiritual journeys our children are on?

As a parent, I believe that my daughter's salvation was of the Lord. Not because of what I did or did not do as a parent, thank God! I also believe that her keeping and growth are in His hands as well. But what if the path He has placed her on includes suffering, struggles, and questions? This is where it gets hard and where it can be hard to let go. That maternal instinct in me wants to reach out and grab the wheel, as it were, and steer her toward what I think is the smoother road. But there comes a point when Mom can't make everything all better anymore. 

Even though, a parent's spiritual influence is so important, I was never meant to fill the place that only God can in my daughter's life. He is a better teacher, protector, and guide than I can ever be. It has also been good for my sanctification to learn to pray first and speak second, when it has been my habit to do the reverse. This transition has been a growing experience and caused us both to depend upon the Lord in ways that we would not have learned otherwise. There are times I still struggle to let go, but I don't need to hold it together because I never really could. He was holding us all along, and He will never let us go.

Encouraging Parents of Prodigals

“everyone belongs to me, the parent as well as the child—both alike belong to me.”  Ezekiel 18:4

What could be more grievous to Christian parents than to have their adult child reject the Gospel?   Some children go through a season of rebellion and return to the Lord,  but when a grown child makes a cogent decision to forsake the essential truths of Christianity it is heart wrenching.   I’d like to share some things parents commonly experience when this happens  and try to offer a little encouragement for those going through this.   

SOUL SEARCHING

Any parent who has  faithfully raised  their children  in the Lord will experience a range of emotions when their child abandons the faith.    Self-examination prompts them to consider,   “Had we done a better job of this, or had not allowed that,  would things have turned out  differently?”

Hindsight usually turns up some things the parents  might have changed  yet we know that  David was a man after God’s own heart and Absalom rebelled anyway.    And what about Isaac’s beloved Esau who sold his birthright for a bowl of stew and married two Hittite women in violation of God’s commands (Gen. 24:3)?   Romans 9 gives us the reason for that whole situation.    

Because training in Biblical parenting is often focused on  being a “successful” parent,  there’s usually not much preparation  for the possibility that a child might grow up and reject the faith.  Unfortunately, not many books give attention  to the sovereignty of God in our children’s salvation.

Consequently, when  children fall away the parents can  feel like failures and  may sense judgement from other Christians.   Unbelieving friends and family who don’t understand the spiritual dynamics involved  may  be critical because  of  the parents refusal  to condone their child’s beliefs or practices.    

In short, these are parents who are grieving for their child’s soul and also for the loss of the sweet relationship they once enjoyed,  but may find little encouragement from others.     

SOLACE IN GOD’S SOVEREIGNTY

When our kids were young,  there was a popular teaching going around  that the sins of the parents, grandparents, or even great grandparents  are somehow spiritually transmitted to their children  and  this alleged  generational bondage needed  to be broken.    As a 29 year old mom this freaked me out until I learned that it was a  misinterpretation of Numbers 14:18.    There's  a wonderful passage  in the eighteenth chapter of  Ezekiel  that debunks this  notion and offers great  hope to everyone,  especially parents. 

“ The word of the Lord came to me: “What do you people mean by quoting this proverb about the land of Israel: “‘The parents eat sour grapes, and the children’s teeth are set on edge’? “As surely as I live, declares the Sovereign Lord, you will no longer quote this proverb in Israel. ⁴ For everyone belongs to me, the parent as well as the child—both alike belong to me. The one who sins is the one who will die.”  (vs. 1-4)   

The passage goes on to illustrate how every person will  be judged individually regardless of their heritage,  but that any person can be fully forgiven no matter  how awful  their sin  is if they repent and turn to the Lord. 

But did you  notice verse 4?      The Lord said  “every one belongs to me.  The parent as well as the child.”   Yes, even the rebellious and unbelieving belong to the Lord to do with as He chooses.    I find this very comforting.   Parents can find rest knowing that  God is sovereign over their child’s destiny  regardless.    Can we say it often enough?   “Salvation belongs to the LORD”  (Ps. 3:8).   If it had been up to me I would have never chosen Christ, and that also applies to my children.   It is God alone who saves whomever He chooses, whenever He chooses, and we know that He is  a good and merciful God.   

So then, if  it is God who determines  our destiny and not ourselves,   what role can a concerned parent have in this?   Pray! Pray! Pray!     If this  describes your current situation,  leave your beloved child at the throne of grace because that is the only place of hope for any of us.   The fact that God continues to prompt  you to pray for your child should be an  encouragement!

A PURITAN’S WORD OF ADVICE

“Abhor it as a great sin to faint under this affliction, that is, either to be disabled for thy duty or to sink thy comforts.  It is a sign that thou didst place too much  of thy happiness in thy children, if their wickedness make thee faint under this calamity.  I shall only plead with thee, as Joab did with David when he made that bitter lamentation for his son Absalom, “Thou has declared this day, that thou regardes neither princes, nor servants” (2 Sam. 19:6).  So I say to thee, thou hereby declares that thou regardest not God and Christ, if thy soul faint under the burden of a disobedient child.

This is an affliction that ordinarily befalls God’s dearest children.  Ye must not think of this as if ye were the first godly parents of ungodly children, or as if herein some strange thing happened unto you.”  1 – Edward Lawrence

1. Parents' Groans Over Their Ungodly Children  by Edward Lawrence
(1623-1695)

Gospel Centered Parenting in a Time of Cultural Crisis

“The generation now ruling seems bent on departing from the eternal truth of God; but we shall not despair if the Gospel be impressed upon the memory of the rising race.”1  - Charles Spurgeon

Yesterday Robert and I celebrated our 42^nd wedding anniversary.    We were married in 1973,   the year that Roe v. Wade's  decision  to legalize  abortion forever changed the  moral landscape of  our nation.    The Judeo-Christian  values that influenced  early American thinking  have  eroded  to the point that we're  facing a  cultural crisis. 

 

Christian parents  worldwide are having to  deal with challenges unlike anything we experienced when our kids were young.    In addition to raising  their children in the Lord,  parents must be fastidiously discerning when it comes to their children’s education,  social media activities, entertainment choices, and relationships with unbelieving friends and family members.   Who wouldn’t be worried about their children's spiritual well being,   and how will  Christian families cope living in such an ungodly world?

 

GOD WILL PRESERVE HIS CHURCH

First, we can take real comfort knowing that nothing falls outside the parameters of God’s eternal plan for  the world and for His  people.   We know from Genesis 19 and  Romans 1 that God delivers wicked cultures over for judgment,  but He will also provide a way for His people  to endure.

“if He rescued righteous Lot, oppressed by the sensual conduct of unprincipled men... then the Lord knows how to rescue the godly from temptation, and to keep the unrighteous under punishment for the day of judgment.”  2 Peter 2:7,9-10

God’s elect have survived the rise and fall of many civilizations and  Augustine acknowledged this following the sack of Rome in 410 AD in his City of God:

“So it falls out that in this world, in evil days like these, the Church walks onward like a wayfarer stricken by the world's hostility, but comforted by the mercy of God.   Nor does this state of affairs date only from the days of Christ's and His Apostles' presence on earth.   It was never any different from the days when the first just man, Abel, was slain by his ungodly brother.   So shall it be until this world is no more.”2 ― Augustine of Hippo  

THE POWER OF THE GOSPEL

Despite the world around us never underestimate the power of God’s  glorious Gospel when it comes  to awakening your  child's heart—especially  when  it is accompanied by fervent prayer (Romans 10:17; James 5:16).    It is our duty to faithfully teach the Scriptures to our children,  but it is also important to remember—“Salvation is from the LORD." Jonah 2:9

“from childhood you have been acquainted with the sacred writings, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus.’  2 Timothy 3:15

THE NECESSITY OF  SEPARATION

“COME OUT FROM THEIR MIDST AND BE SEPARATE," says the Lord.”  2 Corinthians 6:17

Gospel centered parenting includes teaching  our children the necessity of  Biblical  separation  if  we want them  to understand what it means to be sincere followers of  Jesus Christ (2 Cor. 6:14-17).

The doctrine of separation from sin and the world has been nearly forgotten in the church today.   Ecumenism and pragmatism  have created  many theologically bankrupt churches that are  indistinguishable from the culture.   Preaching on doctrines such as  Hell,  sin, and self denial have been replaced with ear tickling messages designed to pamper the parishioner's felt needs.   And instead of separating from the culture, the church has radically embraced it.

Yet, throughout history  separation from personal sin,  the world, and religious apostasy  has been an integral aspect of genuine faith.    The major themes of the Old Testament  include  separation  from  the surrounding  idolatrous nations.    Jewish infants were circumcised on the 8^th day  as a  symbol of  Israel’s  covenant relationship  with  God and of their separation  from sin and the ungodly world around them.     Corresponding to this is spiritual circumcision of the heart taught in the New Testament  (Romans 2:29).    

Friends, we cannot sugar coat the Gospel for our kids.   They need to understand  the cost of following   Christ will involve  some form of persecution  (2 Tim. 3:12)  but the cost of loving the world will be our soul.   “Do not love the world or the things in the world.   If anyone loves the world,  the love of the Father is not in him.”  1 John 2:15

SALT AND LIGHT

Nevertheless,  God did not intend New Testament believers to be cloistered away in monasteries because He calls us to be salt and light in this hopeless world.    Our children need to observe the joy and peace only  God can give in the midst of  trials  and adversity.    They need to understand  that we are citizens of the City of God and are commanded to love and pray for our enemies.   Imperfect parents as we are,  they need to see us fighting the good fight and  keeping the faith until we finish the race.  

“Cheer up, dear brothers and sisters.   Take comfort… Look at the bright side of your position.   Be encouraged to fight on.   The time is short.   The Lord is at hand. … Millions as weak as you, have fought the same fight.   Not one of all those millions has been finally led captive by Satan.    Mighty are your enemies — but the Captain of your salvation is mightier still.   His arm, His grace and His Spirit shall hold you up. …Come out boldly from the world — and the world shall be obliged to let you go.   You shall find yourselves in the end more than conquerors; you shall 'overcome'.” 3  J.C. Ryle

__________________________

1. C.H. Spurgeon, “Come Ye Children”
2. Augustine, The City of God;  Book XVIII; Ch. 51
3. J.C. Ryle, Holiness: Ch.14; Visible Church Warned



Solid Food for Little Ones

or A Short List of Theology Books for Preschoolers.

I’m interested in theology books for children for two reasons. First, I have preschool grandchildren and I want to be like Timothy’s grandmother Lois. I want to help pass on the faith to them.

Second, I’m the librarian for my church, so it’s my responsibility to see that the library has a well-rounded collection of Christian books for children. When I took over the library job, it was built around donated books, and the children’s section was long on fiction, short on Bible story books (because people hold on to those, I suppose), and completely empty when it came to anything that taught doctrine to children. So I’ve added a few Bible story and theology books, and any age-appropriate ones that impress me I order for my grandchildren, too.

Since many of you also have young children in your lives, I thought you might be able to use some recommendations for preschool books that teach good theology. Here’s my short list. (Please add your own recommendations in the comments.)

Big Thoughts For Little Thinkers: The Trinity

by Joey Allen. This is simple Biblical teaching on the Trinity without the use of analogies. (When it comes to the Trinity, analogies—shamrocks, eggs or ice, water, and steam, for instance—tend to confuse rather than clarify. There is nothing else like the Trinity.) For ages 4-6 or so. 

There’s a series of Big Thoughts for Little Thinkers books, including Big Thoughts For Little Thinkers: The Scripture and Big Thoughts for Little Thinkers: The Gospel. I’ve only seen the one on the Trinity, but since it's so excellent, I’d bet the others are good, too.

Update: In the comments below, the author links to another book in this series, Big Thoughts for Little Thinkers: The Mission. What's more, I've discovered that Westminster Bookstore sells all four Big Thoughts books as a set.

God Knows My Name

by Debby Anderson. This book teaches little ones aged 1-4 about God's omniscience—and a few more attributes, too. This one has been a favorite of my grandchildren, who love knowing that God sees them and knows everything about them, including their name.

I also recommend I Love My Bible! and Jesus Is Coming Back!, the two other Debby Anderson picture books in the church library.

Everything a Child Should Know About God

by Kenneth N. Taylor.  I received my copy in the mail yesterday and have already read through it. I wish I’d known about this little gem when my own children were little.

 “The purpose of this colourful book,” Ken Taylor wrote in the introduction, “is to teach young children about God.” Since some teaching on most of the Bible's major doctrines is included, I'd call this a pint-sized systematic theology. There are a only couple of places in 187 pages where I would have phrased things differently—and when it comes to book of theology, that much agreement is a rare thing.

I often give Bible story books as baby shower gifts, especially for second or later babies, but I’ve decided that as soon as my current supply of Bible story books runs out, I’ll be giving this book instead. It’d be perfect for a new baby’s 2-5 year old brothers or sisters.

[This book is not stocked by Amazon, and Westminster Bookstore (linked above) is sold out until May. I ordered from Book Depository, but it looks like they’re out of stock now, too.]

Are there any preschool theology books you would add to this list?

Praying for Aging Parents

One of the inescapable facts of growing older is that my parents have grown older, too. In my mind's eye, I picture them frozen in time in their prime, but the clock hasn't stopped ticking. Thus my mental image doesn't quite match reality like it used to.

When I left home for college, my parents would check up on me during our many phone conversations. "Are you eating enough? Are you getting enough protein? Make sure you get enough sleep and don't work too hard. Be careful driving."

Now it's my turn. "How are you feeling? How are you sleeping? Are you eating enough? Have you seen the doctor? Are you taking your meds? Perhaps someone can give you a ride instead." This is uncharted territory now that the roles seem to be slowly reversing, and it's a little scary.

I wish I could give you a list that covers every aspect of caring for aging parents. Wouldn't that be nice? I'd like that same list, too, but life is never as simple as a checklist. Our families are different, and each circumstance has its own set of challenges. Our parents may live with us, down the street, or multiple states away. They may be as strong as Caleb entering the Promised Land,  or they may be facing a wide variety of medical conditions. We may have solid relationships with them, or the brokenness of life may have taken its toll. Our parents may be running the final leg of the race set before them, or we may be beseeching the Lord that this would be their day of salvation. 

There are also times when I am at a loss to know what to do. I want to help and yet not overstep my bounds because they're still my parents. I also want to make the most of the time I have with them whether it is calling or visiting and loving them as much as I can. But there is something else I can do. I can pray. 

God is never at a loss. He knows the concerns I have for my parents, and He knows better than I do what they need. I can lift up their health and mental faculties to the One who made them. I can pray for grace as they deal with the day-to-day frustrations of aging because He has numbered the hairs on their heads as well as their days. And I can pray for wisdom to know how to honor my father and mother in word and deed in this season of their lives. 

My parents entrusted me to the Lord when I spread my wings and left the nest. It probably wasn't easy, but they believed He would be faithful. Surely, I can do the same for them by committing them through prayer into His loving and compassionate hands.

Resources for Teens: Housewife Theologian by Aimee Byrd

As part of the Fight Like a Girl series, I encouraged mothers to take an active role in the spiritual growth of their daughters. I admit, this is something I struggle with. I come up with a plan to be more involved in my girl's spiritual growth and we start out full of determination. Then, despite my best intentions, life interrupts us and my plan gets derailed. Discouraged, I back away until the Holy Spirit convicts me - again - that my time with my girl at home is growing short.

This is one of many reasons I'm thrilled that Aimee Byrd has penned
Housewife Theologian: How the Gospel Interrupts the Ordinary. While the title may cause you to think the book is for adults only, Aimee's message applies to women of ALL ages and stages in life. She is passionate about women learning the Word of God and developing a good theology.

"In this information age in which we live, many women find the conveniences of technology cutting us off from meaningful, mentoring relationships that shepherd us in our unique role." (p. 15) While this is certainly true outside the home, I believe it is especially true in our homes. How many of us are content to let our daughters immerse themselves in their cell phones listening to music we can't hear, having "conversations" we can't hear, and completely tuning us out? Have we allowed technology to dictate the way we parent? Housewife Theologian offers a wonderful opportunity for us to reclaim the mother-daughter relationship.

Aimee writes about biblical womanhood, the Sabbath, carrying the Gospel with us in our daily lives, and hospitality - topics that are vitally important to our girls' spiritual growth. Each chapter includes journaling questions that make the book a powerful tool we can use to disciple our daughters. I've been practically giddy reading the questions and thinking of the discussions they might spark.

The 12-chapter format makes the book perfect for a year of mentoring your girl without being overwhelming to either of you. Each chapter could be a springboard for a month-long discussion of that particular topic. Imagine how much stronger your relationship with your girl might be if you had one year of digging into God's Word together.

Three of you will have the opportunity to do just that, courtesy of P&R Publishing! If you live in the United States or Canada, enter the drawing below. Three winners will be announced on September 16th (along with the winner of our anniversary giveaway).

To learn more about Aimee's vision for Housewife Theologian, watch the book trailer. You can also visit her blog by the same name.

Thanks to P&R Publishers for providing me - and three of you! - with a copy of this book.

*This giveaway is now closed. *

For Those of Us With Teenagers...

It is vital that we remember the truths of the Gospel: First, there is no situation that is not "under control," for Christ "rules over all things for the sake of his body, the church  (Eph. 1:22). Second, not only is the situation under control, but God is at work in it doing the good that he has promised to do (Rom. 8:28). So I do not need to control my teenager's every desire, thought, and action. In every situation he is under the sovereign control of Christ, who is accomplishing what I cannot. Third, I need to remember the goal of my parenting is not to conform my children to my image, but to work so that they are conformed to the image of Christ! My goal is not to clone my tastes, my opinions, and my habits in my children. I am not looking for my image in them; I long to see Christ's.

We cannot consider the teenage years, with their tumult and struggle, without honestly looking at what we, as parents, bring to the struggle. If our hearts are ruled by comfort, respect, appreciation, success, and control, we will unwittingly hunger for our teens to meet our expectations instead of ministering to their spiritual needs. Instead of seeing moments of struggle as God-given doors of opportunity, we will view them as frustrating, disappointing irritants, and we will experience growing anger against the very children to whom we have been called to minister.

~Paul David Tripp,
Age of Opportunity: A Biblical Guide to Parenting Teens, p. 38

Our Hope for "By Nature"

My son-in-law, the daddy of one of my toddler grandchildren, told me it was having a child that finally convinced him that human beings aren't inherently good. He doesn’t come from a Christian background, so no one taught him the doctrine of original sin, but he knows from experience some of what Ephesians 2:1-3 teaches us: All human beings have a sin problem "by nature."

And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience—among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind. (Ephesians 2:1-3 ESV)

The corrupt seed that will grow and blossom into bad fruit is already there when a baby is born, waiting for the right conditions to sprout. No one has to teach a toddler to misbehave, or, as E. K. Simpson wrote in his commentary on Ephesians, “every mother’s son learns to be naughty without book.”1 Grabbing toys, throwing tantrums, pulling one’s cousin out of Grandma’s little rocking chair is natural—and has been since the fall.

These verses apply to all of us, even little children. We enter the world spiritually dead. What follows "dead in trespasses and sins" is a description of this condition as it works itself out in our lives. Remember the story of the children of Hamelin who were led away by the magic sound of the Pied Piper's flute? Someone spiritually dead is a little like that. They are marching along to the music of evil inner powers. They go willingly, but at the same time, the attraction is so strong they cannot turn away.

The real solution to the problem our children and grandchildren are born with, then, is not our discipline. They are powerless to change what they are by nature and we can't we change them, either. Enforcing boundaries may keep them from dancing after the piper, but it won't stop them from loving his music. Rules can help civilize children; rules can teach them what they ought to do. But rules can't make them good.

True hope for the children we love comes from God's gracious nature-changing inner work. (See this explained in the verses that follow—Ephesians 2:4-10). Since any heart change comes through the gospel, which is "the power of God for salvation" (Romans 1:16), our children need to hear the good news over and over. It is possible to have too many rules, but there's no such thing as too much gospel.

There's no such thing as too much prayer, either. If our best parenting cannot change a heart but God's work can, we should be on our knees daily, expressing our helplessness and begging for God's mercy to us and to them.

This all seems obvious to me now, so obvious that I wondered if it was worth a post. But I wish I'd understood this better when my own kids were young, and I thank God I know it in time for my grandchildren.

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1E. K. Simpson, The New International Commentary on the New Testament: The Epistles to the Ephesians, page 49.

Resources for Teens: You Asked by William Edgar

Throughout the Fight Like a Girl Series, I cited various resources that parents of teens might find helpful as we navigate the waters of adolescence. In the coming weeks, I'd like to highlight some resources for our teens might find helpful as well.  While not all of these resources are written specifically for teens, they deal with many issues teens face.

A quick glance at the cover of William Edgar's You Asked: Questions And Answers about God reveals that this book asks some pretty tough questions. Far from a book of typical teen issues, this is a basic introduction into apologetics for youth. As Edgar writes, This book is for you, my friend, if you are thinking about the reasons for faith.
(pg 17) 

Edgar starts with perhaps the most foundational questions teens have, Who Am I? From there, he moves on to discuss the Fall of Man, the veracity of Jesus' existence and claims to be the Son of God, the inerrancy of the Bible, and the end of the world. He also discusses sex, love, racism, and gender equality.  (After recently hearing of a local church sitting under a sermon series on the Twilight books, I'm thrilled to say that Edgar also addresses to the vampire craze!)

Although Edgar is a seminary professor, he writes in a style that will appeal to teens without making the material too difficult (or too elementary). Most chapters are 10-15 pages in length, making them ideal for weekly reading and devotion time. I like the fact that Edgar uses Scripture, but also The Shorter Catechism and Calvin's Institutes to answer the questions posed in each chapter. He also gives a list of questions to encourage further thought and exploration of the topic.

I believe You Asked is a terrific resource for teens who may be struggling with questions about their faith as well as those who want to learn how to better defend their faith.  Parents who read along may  find that the book sparks some great family discussion, and may have some of their own questions answered in the process.

Thanks to Christian Focus Publications for providing me with a review copy of this book in exchange for my honest opinion.

Amusing Our Youth to Spiritual Death?

I've spent considerable time thinking about the church's responsibility to teenagers in the last couple of years. As I look over the youth ministry landscape, the view is disheartening: a myriad of events meant to entertain rather than educate. Ravi Zacharias, speaking of youth in Tabletalk, said it well, "Building their faith is not a prime strength in our churches today. We seem to think that we need to entertain them into the church. But what you win them with is often what you win them to."

Today's active youth group seems more focused on fellowship and service than discipleship. Instead of breeding future theologians (even of the ordinary type), we are producing young adults who are prone to leave the church when it's no longer a source of entertainment. Today's youth ministry culture could be a chapter straight out of Neil Postman's Amusing Ourselves to Death. I've already pontificated about how detrimental busyness can be to a family, which is why I'm saddened to see that youth ministry in many churches follows the trend of quantity rather than quality. It's a mentality that seeks to keep us so busy that we don't notice what we - and, more importantly, our children - are missing.

At the beginning of this year, my family began looking for a new church home. As we visited other churches, youth education was one of the criteria we considered in our search. My husband and I understand that parents cannot rely on the youth group as the sole source of our teen's spiritual nourishment; we must be actively involved in - no, in charge of - our daughter's theological education. Within that purview, we wanted to make certain that she will be discipled in church, as well as at home.

The church we have decided upon has a strong youth ministry built upon strong parental involvement. We didn't choose this church based on its youth ministry, but we've learned that solid, expository preaching from the pulpit affects every ministry in a church. The youth minister adamantly believes that his role is to disciple - not parent - the students. There isn't a balance between Bible study and activities; Bible study outweighs the "fun" (though there is fun!) As a parent and a prospective church member I'm delighted to be part of a church that realizes its responsibilities to believers (see Ephesians 4:11-16 and Matthew 28:19-20) are not contingent upon age.

Teenagers are perfectly capable of learning doctrine. If our schools can teach our children chemistry and biology, physics and geology, algebra and geometry, political science and economics, then we can certainly teach them theology and apologetics, Christian ethics and philosophy.¹ Why should we be satisfied with placating them with pseudo-theological drivel? It's time for us to realize that youth ministries centered around activities instead of the Word are worse they ineffective; they are amusing our kids to their spiritual death.

¹Daniel Akin, Source


Confession: portions of this post were taken from an earlier installment of the Fight Like a Girl series

Fighting for Your Girl's Dreams

Note: This is part of the Fight Like a Girl Series. Other posts are found under the series tag.  

At 14, I dreamed of a big career in a big city 700 miles to the north.  I didn't understand the bemused smile my mother usually wore as I spouted off my grand plans. I had my life mapped out, but I didn't need that map. Although I anticipated having a 10-hour drive to my parents' home, it takes a mere 10 minutes.

Which is why I, too, wear a bemused expression when my daughter reels off  her great plans for her big life in a city 500 miles to the south. I tell her something my mother wasn't able to tell me, The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps. (Proverbs 16:9) Still, I'm glad my girl has big dreams. Who am I to say that they have not been given to her by God? Her preferred career would give her an opportunity to minister to people in need. It may be that He has a place for her in this particular field for just that purpose.

It seems the blogosphere has recently been inundated with posts about Biblical womanhood and complementarianism. (For the record, I am a complementarian.) I don't want to add to the clamor and I'm not responding to any post I've read. I do want to encourage other mothers to fight for their girl's dreams, no matter what they are.

Some girls dream of impacting the world for Christ through their homes; they have a God-given desire to marry, have children, and work faithfully, full-time at home. This is a noble calling of the Lord and if it is the call our daughter feels, we should not hesitate to offer our support and encouragement in that direction. We should teach her the art of homemaking, procure or provide lessons in different domestic skills, and instruct her in the values and benefits of being a stay-at-home wife and mother.

Other girls dream of living out the Gospel in the workplace. This, too, can be a noble calling from the Lord. Our society benefits when Christian women serve others through their careers. Our support and encouragement is no less important if this is our daughter's inclination. In addition to educating her about her responsibilities as a wife and mother, we can look for opportunities to learn about the benefits - and the pitfalls - of a specific career. We can help her be as prepared and knowledgeable as possible.

In short, we should exhort her to work heartily, as for the Lord (Colossians 3:23) in her chosen vocation. Even if she chooses a path that is not our own.

We should also be honest about our own calling. My daughter has seen the positives and negatives that accompany having a career outside of the home. She also realizes that our home and family mean more to me than my job. I have taught her that a woman has an incredible opportunity to minister to and bless her family by providing home-cooked meals and keeping a clean home. As much as I have tried to model that for her, she has seen how difficult it is to provide these things when employed outside of the home. She knows that stay-at-home mothers face challenges as well. Whatever choice she makes will require sacrifice. Neither situation is perfect, because we live in a fallen world. It is imperative that she realize that.

Finally, we should accept the fact that we don't know what God has planned for our daughter's future. He may call her into the mission field in Africa or in the local hospital. Perhaps she will remain single. Perhaps she will have a husband but no children.  I don't know if God has given my daughter this particular ambition because He's going to allow her to find the cure for cancer or to prepare her to homeschool the one who will. I only know that I will rejoice in whatever blessing the Lord bestows upon her, whether it is a big career or a big family. If she seeks to do everything to the glory of the Lord (1 Cor. 10:31), how could I ask for more?

Fighting for Your Girl's Modesty: Part III

Note: This is part of the Fight Like a Girl Series. Other posts are found under the series tag.

Unfortunately, we don't often let the Cross shape our thinking. We don't stare at it long enough. When the question of modesty comes up, we toss reservation in the trash. We forget the cost of sin. We forget how serious our offenses are to a holy God. By moving on from the Cross, we belittle the opinion of God. We let the world gain a foothold in our lives.

~Hannah Farver,Uncompromising (pp. 112-113)

Modesty is becoming obsolete in our society. In fact, our culture seems to pride itself on its complete lack of modesty. Television shows and advertisements are saturated with innuendo. Magazine covers parade scantily clad women surrounded by copy that should make us blush. Even office conversations are filled with double entendres. We flaunt our sexuality, consider no topic as taboo. How can we instruct our children to be discreet when we have no understanding of discretion ourselves?

Girls are having conversations in front of boys that they should never have. They discuss things with boys that, just a few generations ago, weren't even talked about among girls. They brag about their escapades in hopes of drawing attention to themselves. Oftentimes, they're learning it from their parents.  How can we expect our children to be discreet when we are not discreet ourselves?

And our children's lack of discretion doesn't just play out in their small corner of the world. Often, it's put on the world wide web through social media, for everyone to see. Take a look at your daughter's Facebook feed and you're likely to find her friends have posted photos and status reports that belie claims of innocence and being a "good" girl. The lure of creating a different "on screen" persona can be powerful. Text messaging and social media gives a false sense of freedom to post or write anything, which can be toxic to a teenager who already has a limited capability to understand consequences.

Discretion isn't just about avoiding explicit or suggestive content. Being modest means calling attention to Christ rather than ourselves. Mothers, are we modeling this for our daughters? Are we teaching them to point others to Christ in their speech, actions, and in their online presence? I know I have not been the example that I should be in this regard. I also know I cannot expect my daughter to meet standards of thought, speech and deed that I have not reached myself. The truth is, our daughters are learning from us. If we're troubled by her lack of modesty, perhaps we need look no further than the mirror.

Further Reading:
~Desiring Virtue recently hosted a series on modesty, that can be found here.
~Today at my blog, I'm sharing the guidelines I've established for modesty in social media.

Fighting for Your Girl's Courage

Note: This is part of the Fight Like a Girl Series. Other posts are found under the series tag.

The United States has been a scary place these past two weeks. A bombing in Boston. An explosion in Texas. Floods in the Midwest. We can easily become discouraged and frightened, wondering if God's been napping while countless people are suffering.

If we face these struggles, think how much more difficult it is for our girls. The teenage years are fraught with hormones and enough uncertainty to keep a girl in a constant state of panic; and that's on the days when only her hair isn't quite right. Imagine how much more those feelings are magnified when simple things like running in a marathon or going to work are no longer safe.

On Monday, as part of the Because of Easter Series at  Desiring Virtue, I shared about an intense season of fear in my own life and 5 instructions from Jesus regarding fear. I encourage you to share these with your girl. Talk to her about living them out. Work diligently to model them in your own life. A courageous mother is a tremendous blessing to her daughter.

Walk through Ephesians 6:10-18 with her. Pray these verses with her and over her. Teach her to be a warrior for Christ.

Return to the cross and defeat the accuser of the brothers and sisters. Incessantly and in every venue bear witness to Christ, and defeat the accuser of the brothers and sisters. Retain courage and integrity in the face of opposition, because death cannot frighten those who follow the Prince of Life - and thereby defeat the accuser of the brothers and sisters.

~D.A. Carson, Scandalous: The Cross and Resurrection of Jesus (p. 109)

We haven't finished our discussion on modesty, but recent events compelled me to address this topic.