Review: Why Can't We Be Friends?

Why Can't We Be Friends? - Avoidance is Not Purity by Aimee Byrd, P&R Publishing, 2018, 243 pages.

Four year ago, the Alliance of Confessing Evangelicals invited Aimee Byrd to join Carl Trueman and Todd Pruitt as a cohost for their podcast, The Mortification of Spin. To her surprise, not all the listeners were pleased. There were concerns about where this interaction would lead and even warnings that Aimee was an affair waiting to happen and a potential cause of moral downfall for two pastors.¹ When I read this account in the beginning of Why Can't We Be Friends?, it reminded me of a another story.

In Openness Unhindered, Rosaria Butterfield was preparing a Lord's Day meal with another sister. It was just the two of them in the kitchen quietly working together, and then the question came up,

"Is this safe? Being alone together in the kitchen?"... "Does being alone with a woman bring back those feelings for you? Those kind of feelings."

Suddenly, the danger was exposed: I. It was I. I was the potential source of unsafety. I felt that chill of isolation creep in. She couldn't even name those feelings, they were so dirty, or foreign, or dangerous.... I was perplexed that even though I was a new creature in Christ, that was not good enough. I pondered why my identity in Christ did not seem to be good enough for her, and it made me wonder again, if it was good enough for God... Why did she not see that my identity in Christ was bigger than my past? Because there is another category of personhood that takes preeminence: sexual orientation."²

These responses from Christians aren't that different from the dictum of Harry Burns in the movie, When Harry Met Sally - "men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way."³ If Harry and the naysayers are right, then Aimee should be booted off the Mortification of Spin, and we should be wary of all cross-gender friendships in the church. For Rosaria, even same-gender friendships are potentially dangerous, so perhaps it would be safer to segregate her with just her family.

But is this how God wants his family to function? Are we called to commune around the Lord's table as fellow blood-bought believers and then view each other with suspicion? In our desire to obey the 7th commandment, do we inadvertently break the 9th by imputing sinful motives to one another? Is Christ's work in making us new creatures not good enough? Or have we lost something along the way? I think we have, which is why I am so glad Aimee wrote this book. The solution to the friendship problem is not just behavioral. It is, at its heart, theological.

Aimee identifies four theological categories that form the foundation of friendship, and these categories anchor the discourse in the subsequent chapters:⁴

Anthropology - What are we here for? We are created for communion with God and with one another.
Christology - Who are we as Christians? Christ, our elder brother, has not only given us new life but brought us into a new relationship as brothers and sisters.
Ecclesiology - We are God's family. How does he expect us to treat one another?
Eschatology - What is our ultimate hope?

Then in the first half of the book, Aimee examines the reasons why we think we can't be friends:⁵
- Our concept of identity is shaped by the culture and seen through the lens of stereotypes.
- We've forgotten the goal of communion with God and the outflow of that communion in the church.
- We've narrowed purity down to sex.
- Immaturity and fear weaken relationships.
- We've forgotten that we are family.

In the second half of the book, she gives ways where sanctified siblingship can flourish in the local church:⁶
- Our identity comes from our Elder Brother.
- Consider the "one anothers" in scripture.
- Cultivate holiness in one another through encouragement and exhortation.
- Practice community through table fellowship.
- Celebrate and suffer together.
- Model affectionate and appropriate relationships to the world.

There has been a lot of discussion about Why Can't We Be Friends? even before its release. There have been concerns that Aimee is advocating antinomianism (disregarding the moral law) in the area of friendship. I don't think this is the case at all. I believe she steers a theologically straight course between license and legalism, which is why I strongly recommend this book. She is not advocating permissiveness in our friendships. Neither does she give a list of cast iron dos and donts. Rather she raises the bar by encouraging her readers to look to Christ and what he has done on our behalf. It is through our union with him that the family of God can be family in holiness and purity. He sets the standard for friendship, not the culture. After all who gave us a new heart? Who gives us new desires? Are we perfect? No. Are we still tempted? Yes. But who convicts us of sin? Who delivers us from temptation and gives wisdom from situation to situation? Who is building his church and able to present her blameless at the last day?

Can men and women be friends? It's the wrong question. How could we even ask such a question if we understood the meaning of friendship?

Are we opposed to friendship? No - we are opposed to sin, and we are for holiness. And for this reason, men and women are called to be more than friends. We are called to Christ, in whom we become brothers and sisters As the saying goes, blood is thicker than water.⁷

For more on the book:
Mortification of Spin Podcast on Why Can't We Be Friends?
Theology Gals interview with Aimee Byrd 

1. Why Can't We Be Friends? - Avoidance is Not Purity, Aimee Byrd, P&R Publishing, 2018, pg. 7.
2. Openness Unhindered, Rosaria Butterfield, Crown & Covenant Publications, 2015, pp. 35-36. (bolding mine)
3. Byrd. pg. 25.
4. Ibid. pp. 15-16.
5. Ibid. Chapters 1-7.
6. Ibid. Chapters 8-13.
7. Ibid. pg. 229.

I received an e-copy of this book from the publisher. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission's 16 CFR, Part 255: "Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising."

Are We Called to Authenticity?

This morning we welcome Deb Welch, who blogs at All Things New, to the Out of the Ordinary team.

The quest for authenticity has seemingly grown more prevalent than ever in modern times. Justin Beiber was seeking it when he visited a church in New York City. Ann Voskamp tweeted about it. Mommy bloggers are blogging about it. And churches are forming companies and committees to cultivate more of it in their midst.

With all this popular interest, one would think that the contemporary quest for authenticity is something new. Alas, we know that there is truly nothing new under the sun (Ecc. 1:9b, New American Standard Bible).

The Ethics of Authenticity, written by Charles Taylor in the 90s, decried the negative trajectory of an inward and self-exalting focus developed by many authenticity advocates, on the one hand, and appreciated the honest and sincere intentions of adherents, on the other hand.

In the early and mid-nineteenth century, authenticity was also a bedrock among existentialist philosophers, vis a vis Heidegger and Sartre.  Sartre’s theory of “bad faith” was an aspect of authenticity that described the self-deception that comes from living as something or someone different from who you really are. As early as 1770, Rousseau, in his Confessions, argued that one's orientation toward life should come from a source within. The focus on inwardness, self-reflection, and introspection led to a space of interiority as one's guiding authority.

Who can forget Shakespeare’s notorious character in Hamlet, Polonius, Laertes' father? Polonius (the political poser, who ironically changed his spots whenever position and power were in sight), offered his son the infamous advice that would be repeated in high schools and Hollywood films centuries later, “This above all: to thine own self be true”. Never mind that this advice led Laertes to cast off values and moral conscience to madly pursue his inner desire to fulfill a personal vow of revenge. Not surprisingly, all of this resulted was his own tragic death  (Romans 6:23, NASB). As it turned out, the call to live an authentic life above all else was immanently bad fatherly advice.

As we look even further back, Aquinas argued for a “presumption of authenticity”, represented as the harmony between one’s inner judgements (including the will), outward acts, and future hope. According to Oxford seminary professor John Finnis, Aquinas’s presumption of authenticity was the underlying reason why Aquinas saw love of neighbor as the master rule of life. And if Aquinas dabbled in the philosophy of authenticity, certainly Augustine must have had something to say about it before him. Yet, whether or not Augustine specifically delved into the concept of authenticity, I’m convinced that his Confessions is potentially the best example of what true Christian authenticity, rightly conceived can be. More on that later.

All of this to say, authenticity is not a new idea, and as such, the concept comes loaded with all sorts of theological and philosophical baggage of which we would do well to be beware. For the most part, and at the risk of oversimplification, the quest by Christians to live authentically in our day follows two potential paths of thought.

On the one hand, the authenticity virtues of honesty, openness, and vulnerability are compelling.  In Mere Christianity, C.S. Lewis writes about how Christians often don a mask around other Christians to avoid judgment and humiliation, but it often results in hypocrisy and destructive perfectionism. Perhaps this is best argument for the side of authenticity. It has textual support that is quite convicting in the Gospel of Matthew when Jesus speaks about the Pharisees being whitewashed tombs, "Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs which on the outside appear beautiful, but inside they are full of dead men's bones and all uncleanness” (NASB Mat 23:27). Not only did the Pharisees put on a facade out of fear of man, but it seems they were covering up their rottenness in order to hold onto their prosperous positions.

In our contemporary Christian churches, where many younger people have grown up in Christian subcultures rife with moralistic therapeutic deism, as Dr. Michael Horton calls it, no wonder the quest for authenticity has become a such a strong driving force.

But do these accepted virtues risk hiding a worse vice? For instance, an inward focus can take a selfish turn, when we say things like, “I just need to focus on me right now.” Too much authenticity can turn us into spiritual slackers.  We become comfortable with one another, soaking in our own muck, rather than being lifted out. Then we forget who we really are. 

In our huddles, are we saying sorry and being sorry, but perhaps never truly repenting? Are we confessing sins one to another, but perhaps never taking our petitions to the Lord and trusting in Him? Worst of all, if we pursue authenticity for authenticity’s sake, that can lead to a self-styled religion, where “I am that I am” is all about our very own comfortable, horizontally-oriented posture, rather than a vertically-oriented fear and awe of a holy God, who truly is the great “I am.”

We should beware of an inward search for truth and self, directed by finite, creaturely beings. It will ultimately lead to despair and isolation, even when we practice it together. Because our very identity and ontology comes from an external, transcendent creator, our ultimate reality -- our true selves and very nature -- are not inwardly determined. God tells us how we were created, what we were created for, and how we will find our greatest fulfillment both in this life and the life to come. Without Him and His Word speaking into our lives and our hearts, our endeavors to "be real" with one another will always fall short. Word-filled fellowship that lifts us up by the Spirit before the face of Christ will transform us into His likeness.

C.S. Lewis continues in Mere Christianity to discuss the metaphor of the mask in a positive way. While putting on a fake mask should be avoided, we can and should put on the mask of Christ. Even though we are not fully Christ-like right now, we are becoming more and more like Him. Lewis gives the illustration of a fairy tale in which a man is so unattractive that he can’t get any friends and is socially shunned. In order to change his appearance, he puts on a mask and wears it for a very long time. One day, he is forced to remove the mask and his face has actually been transformed into the image of the mask. Lewis’ point is that sometimes we have to start off by pretending to be what we are becoming. In future hope, we begin by putting off self and putting on Christ.

The second and better way Christians can conceive of authenticity is to consider the more technical -- and less philosophical -- definition of authenticity. If we view authenticity as "being of undisputed origin or authorship", "being faithful to the original", or "a reliable, accurate representation", we are in a much better position to see ourselves rightly. We were created in the image of God and we are being transformed into the image of Christ in our sanctification. This should embolden us to be honest and sincere with one another and free to approach the throne of grace. Let’s hold on to this reality and end the restless quest for our "true selves". Our author is the Lord Jesus Christ, and in Him we live and move and have our being.

In closing, I’m reminded of Augustine’s great example of what authentic Christianity actually might look like when we have the focus right. In his Confessions, he wrote this familiar quote, “Our heart is restless until it rests You.” So, let us rest in Christ, together.

“Let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. For consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart” (NASB, Heb. 12:1b-3)

References

Augustine. Confessions. Transl. Foley. Hackett Publishing, Second Edition. 2006.

Finnis, John. (as quoted in) Aquinas on Friendship, by Schwartz, Daniel. pg. 96.

Horton, Michael. On Moralist Therapeutic Deism. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DBFqgEOCbEM

Lewis, C.S. Mere Christianity. Harper Classics. 2001.

Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/authenticity/

Shakespeare, William. Hamlet in The Penguin Shakespeare. Random House. 2016.

Taylor, Charles. Ethics of Authenticity. Harvard University Press. 1992.

Review - Unashamed: Healing Our Brokenness and Finding Freedom from Shame

Unashamed: Healing Our Brokenness and Finding Freedom from Shame by Heather Davis Nelson, Crossway, 2016, 192 pages.

Shame: the feeling of "not good enough," acccording to our own standard or our perception of someone else's standard for us. It's what keeps us from being honest about our own struggles, sins, and less-than-perfect moments. Fear of shame drives us to perfectionism in all areas of our lives, so there would be no imperfection for others to notice and judge. (pp. 57-58)

The word "shame" conjures up many memories for me - all unpleasant:

- Wondering if God could possibly forgive me again after committing the same sin yet again.
- Being mocked for looking different or dressing out of style.
- Being scolded for normal human failings like forgetting something or not making the wisest choice.

But the ones that haunt me the most are where I have been the one doling out the shame, and I long to lay these feelings to rest once and for all. But where do I go for help and healing from the shame that seems to be so pervasive?

In Unashamed, Heather Nelson brings the gospel to bear on the shame which we all know far too well. She begins by first making the crucial distinction between guilt and shame. Guilt relates to what I have done. In the case of sin, the Holy Spirit convicts, and the resulting godly grief produces repentance. Our response should then be to cling to the promise that God is faithful and just to forgive our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness because Christ died for those sins. Amen? Amen!

But what about shame? Shame is more complex because it relates to who I am more than what I have done. Yes, it can arise from condemnation over sin that has been confessed and repented of, but often I experience shame because the fall has taken its toll. In this case, "brokenness" is very apt and not just a politically correct way to avoid the word "sin." I may forget. I may be socially awkward and physically clumsy. I can guarantee you that I will make mistakes. While I may not have necessarily broken God's moral law, I may be looked down upon and treat others likewise. The author addresses this rejection specifically in the areas of body shaming, social shaming, and the trap of performance/perfectionism. Yet the gospel still applies.

In the case of sin, Christ paid the penalty that we could not. In the case of shame, Christ lived the perfect life on our behalf thus securing our standing before a holy God. We are now loved and accepted for Christ's sake and united to Him no matter what others may think of us or what we may think of ourselves. This may be easier said than done, which is why Nelson emphasizes the necessity of Christian community for healing from shame. We can't do this alone. We need one another to be listening ears as we confess the shame we feel. We need patient friends who will support us as we learn to walk in freedom rather than fear. We need those who will speak the truth in love as we unlearn the lies of shame. She also discusses how the foundation of the gospel enables us to fight shame in our marriages, families, and the local church.

On a personal note, Unashamed was very timely for me as I have had recent conversations with family members about shame, specifically shame-based parenting. My guess is that ever since the fall, parenting has not been shame-free. Rather shame has been the modus operandi from generation to generation, and I've been cut to the heart that I have done my part in perpetuating the cycle. But this book has encouraged me that the way forward isn't trying to gear up my performance, but to confess, repent, and believe that the gospel is sufficient even for me. I am also encouraged that the cycle of shame is not a given and can be broken.

I highly recommend Unashamed.

We do not live for the approval or condemnation of others, but our audience is God himself - the one who calls us his beloved because of Jesus. Therefore, we move out freely into relationships without fearing or needing others' accolades or judgment. We practice our freedom at every turn - refusing to live according to shame's lies and awakening our souls to truth that sets us free.  (pg. 174)

Purchase Unashamed from Westminster Bookstore (affiliate link) and Amazon.

Created for Companionship

“Then the LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone”- Gen. 2:18

Robert and I are enjoying the History Channel’s fascinating reality survival series “Alone”.  The show is a self-filmed documentary of 10 individuals who were dropped off in different places in the northern wilderness on Vancouver Island, British Columbia. They are completely isolated from each other and the outside world and must learn to live off the land with  just a few supplies.  Their only companion, so to speak, is their video camera and a phone to make a single call when they “tap out”.  The last one remaining wins a half million bucks.  

The first couple of weeks is primarily about setting up camp and figuring out how to survive, and some of them bail at this point. It’s been very interesting to see how those who master this challenge become introspective and start contemplating the reason for their existence. For some, the lure of  a hefty prize is overshadowed by their inability to be totally alone as they  realize that life without other people becomes  utterly meaningless.   

God understood this when he created Adam. Unlike the contestants on Alone,  the first man on earth was placed in a perfect ecological environment that had not yet been ravaged by the effects of the Fall. He was given  a Garden to cultivate with a wonderful food supply, harmless animals and birds to name, and had direct communication with the God who created him. And yet God said it was not good for him to be alone and so He made Eve. 

Our first parents were a prototype of a much grander theme that God had in mind when he sent his Son to redeem His Bride. Though God does not will everyone to be married, He has given us a beautiful picture through the institution of marriage between a man and a woman that reflects His relationship with His people (Eph. 5:22-27). This ought to encourage every Christian  as we remember that God did not intend for us to live in isolation regardless of whether we live alone or with others. As believers we  have corporately become part of His Bride, thus we are also members of one another. (I Cor. 12:12;  Rom. 12:5).  We were created so that we might enjoy companionship with God and also with His family. 

 I realized this in a fresh way recently when my husband was away for two months working in South Africa and  at the last minute I was unable to join him because of health problems. In 42 years of marriage we had never been apart for more than 3 days. I hadn’t anticipated how lonely I would be rattling around the house all by myself and was thankful for the  kindness and encouragement I received  from family and friends who were sensitive to my situation. In turn, the experience gave me more compassion for those who are truly alone or unable to get out due to infirmity.

I have known professing Christians who say they don’t need to go to church or to be around other Christians to maintain a vibrant faith, but this is contrary to Scripture (Heb. 10:25).  We are all like sheep and we need to stick together. Regardless of how discouraged we may become with the church when conflicts or disappointments arise,  it is imperative that we worship together and enjoy the mutual encouragement of our faith that  can only be found within the community of  believers.

“Some Christians try to go to heaven alone, in solitude. But believers are not compared to bears or lions or other animals that wander alone. Those who belong to Christ are sheep in this respect, that they love to get together. Sheep go in flocks, and so do God’s people.” 1 ~ Charles Spurgeon

“We are all called to initiate involvement in each other’s lives… We covenant together to work and pray for unity, to walk together in love, to exercise care and watchfulness over each other, to faithfully admonish and entreat one another as occasion may require, to assemble together, to pray for each other, to rejoice and to bear with each other, and to pray for God’s help in all this. 2 ~ Mark Dever

“Ah! were their souls fully assured that God had loved them freely, and received them graciously, and justified them perfectly, and pardoned them absolutely, and would glorify them everlastingly—they could not but love where God loves, and own where God owns, and embrace where God embraces, and be one with everyone who is one with Jesus. 2 ~ Thomas Brooks

1,  With the Word; Warren W. Weirsbe;  Thomas Nelson Publishers; 1991; pg 162

2,  Nine Marks of a Healthy Church, Crossway, 2000, p. 221.
3. Heaven on Earth, Thomas Brooks, 1667  Ch.4. Grace Gems

Taking the risk with Christian community

I was sitting in a Jeep Cherokee on the way to a training course with several coworkers. We had stopped at a red light when we heard the sound of squealing metal behind us. The driver may have seen what was coming in the rearview mirror, but I was unprepared. The Jeep lurched forward as we were rear-ended by the tractor trailer whose brakes announced its imminent arrival into our bumper. Thankfully our vehicle wasn't totaled, and no one was hurt other than a few stiff backs. But 30 years later, I still get nervous when I see a large truck pull behind me while I'm waiting at a light. If there's room, I will edge forward just a wee bit to give it a little more braking room because I vividly remember what happened before, and I don't want it to happen again.

There have been other incidents in my life that I don't want repeated. Even though years have gone by, the wounds are in various stages of healing and are still tender to the touch. So my default is to pull away relationally to maintain a safe distance. In the past, I was very much alone during my trials, so I knew I needed the support of Christian community. Yet I unconsciously braced myself, waiting and wondering if I would be hurt again, even inadvertently, if someone got too close to one of my sore spots. Thus I found myself in a catch-22 situation. I wanted help but was wary of being hurt, so that fear kept me from getting the help I needed. To compound the situation, there was no shortage of lies from the pit to cast doubt and increase distrust.

But fear of man, and especially an unfounded fear of believers I know and love, cannot be trusted, so I reached out to my church and asked for help, and my fears were proven to be wrong. I am still wrestling with the aftermath of past trials, so was I let down? Absolutely not! The absence of a cure-all does not mean an absence of care. I needed to take the risk to stop bracing myself, waiting to be rear-ended, and slowly let down my guard. Others took the risk of possibly saying the wrong thing or having to admit that they did not even know what to say. But as the dialogue continues, we will grow in understanding and love for one another. It may even encourage others to come forward and open up as well. This doesn't happen overnight but takes time, grace, and vulnerability. But perhaps the real benefit in community isn't in how quickly problems get fixed, but the covenant commitment to walk together for the long haul.

I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. Eph. 4:1-3

When Christians Disagree

Growing up, I was very compliant for the most part. I did not make waves, and I did not ask questions, unlike Question Quigley. It may have been part of my ethnic culture or just my personality, but I never doubted what I was taught, whether it was in the classroom or from the pulpit. It also made life easier. In school, I was a model student who dutifully regurgitated the material for the sake of the grade. (Whether that was really learning is another matter.) In the church, I was a model sheep who went along with the rest of the herd, so there were no awkward conversations over doctrinal disagreements.

But the time came when I had to ask some hard questions. Circumstances forced me to examine what I believed and why I believed it, and my belief system was found wanting. This resulted in a shift from my previous theological position, and for the first time in my life, I found myself at odds with other believers.

This was extremely uncomfortable. I was so used to accepting pretty much everything from any authority figure in my life that it almost felt like treason to disagree with people who I had looked to as spiritual mentors. But like Martin Luther, my conscience was bound by the Word of God, so several awkward and difficult conversations followed. Some of my friends were glad I had not abandoned the faith and was part of a local church even with the differences in doctrine. But for others, the disagreements were deal-breakers. Fellowship was broken, and this hurt.

This led me to wonder, is it possible to disagree and still be in fellowship?

Well, I learned this is possible through the church I began attending. One of the first Sunday school topics was eschatology. I was only familiar with one view come to find out there were four?! And each view was represented in this little church?! How could this be? The teacher was upfront about his personal conviction, but his goal was not to sway us to his side. He took great pains to use primary sources and let each position speak for itself. We were encouraged to examine the views in the light of Scripture, but our teacher would not tell us what to believe, which was a huge eyeopener for me. There was spirited discussion between the opposing views, but when class was over, we were still one, just not necessarily in our eschatology. Even a few weeks ago, after a lively debate about the meaning of a verse in 1 Peter 3, our Sunday school teacher mentioned that we were going to celebrate the Lord's supper in the service to follow. He encouraged us to remember that our unity isn't based on the translation of a particular Greek word, but in the Gospel and what Christ has done on our behalf.

I need to take the example of these brothers to heart. They encouraged give-and-take and acknowledged differences in interpretation, but they did not lose sight of the source of our oneness. I am more than likely to jump into the fray, make waves, and ask questions than in former days. There are doctrines and issues that I hold dear, so it is tempting to look for oneness in agreement on these specifics. But I need to remember that unity with fellow believers flows first and foremost from our union with Christ. A day is coming when all will be made clear, and there will be no disagreements. But until then and even amidst the healthy process of iron sharpening iron, I want to hold fast to the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.

In essentials unity, in nonessentials liberty, in all things charity. - Rupertus Meldenius

I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit—just as you were called to the one hope that belongs to your call— one Lord, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all. Eph. 4:1-5

Update: For further reading - Polemic Theology: How to Deal with Those Who Differ from Us by Roger Nicole

Feeding the Frenzy

Once again Christian social media has been inundated with harangues centered upon well-known ministers. Perhaps the more accurate way of putting it is that Christian social media is still inundated, because I'm not entirely convinced it ever stops. Providentially, the latest round has coincided with my church's study of 1 Corinthians, particularly Chapter 1. As I've been reading over Paul's frustrations with the church in Corinth I've been struck by how the factions he speaks of still exist today, in some measure. While we may not be aligning ourselves with Paul, Apollos, or Peter, there is still a great deal of following in Christian circles - be it a certain pastor or denomination.

In my study of 1 Corinthians, I came across this quote by David Prior,

Whenever Christians give their allegiance to any human personality, such as a gifted preacher or pastor, they have taken their eyes off Jesus Christ and there will inevitably be disunity (source).

If Prior is correct (and I believe he is), it's no wonder there is so much fighting among Christians. My pastor recently gave an excellent sermon on disagreements within the church. (His advice is well-taken.) All of this reading and listening has led me to ponder how we, as the Body of Christ, chew each other up in our attempts to be theologically correct. I confess I have done my share of looking down my nose at those who don't agree with me. And while I agree with J. Gresham Machen who said, "Indifferentism about doctrine makes no heroes of the faith", I wonder if we don't take our concern that we may be indifferent to the extreme.

I've meditated and prayed over this, and the Lord brought to mind the example of a well-known and respected minister who took in another after he was called out in his denomination. The former offered the latter a safe place to be mentored, counseled, and held accountable. This, this is a picture of the gospel. If he disagreed with the offending minister, I don't believe he ever stated so publicly. He took some hits for his actions because there were many who couldn't believe he would do such a thing; they argued he was colluding to cover the sin. It seems that rebuke is not genuine unless it is made public.

What your eyes have seen

do not hastily bring into court,

for what will you do in the end,

when your neighbor puts you to shame?

- Proverbs 25:7-8 (ESV)

With all the social media platforms out there, it's incredibly easy to bring someone before the court of public opinion. We often do so without thinking. Meanwhile our neighbors - believers and unbelievers alike - are watching. How long will it be until they put us to shame by bringing us before that same unforgiving court?

In his book Ordinary: Sustainable Faith in a Radical, Restless World, Michael Horton discusses the cultural evolution of ambition from a vice to a virtue. The church has not been immune to this change. In fact, Horton argues, our drive to achieve notoriety within our churches causes us to focus on self and pulls us away from our brothers and sisters, something the New Testament writers warn against (see James 3:13-18; 1 Cor. 12:15-26)

This isn't every person for himself, but all for one and one for all: Christ for us and then us for each other. It may not make any sense to people around us, but when a brother or sister falls down, we do not keep running, much less demean them, but turn back to pick the person up. If necessary, we carry him or her to the finish line...'Above all,' Peter exhorts, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins' (1 Pet 4:8). Peter isn't saying that our loving acts atone for sin. Far from it! Peter's astonishing point is that love hides the faults of others rather than making a spectacle of them. (Horton, 92)

We can extrapolate this argument to the universal church. Yes, doctrine matters. Yes, we must battle heresy. But it is far more wise - not to mention, loving - to point out error in private than to jump on the bandwagon of public criticism. If I acknowledge the unlikelihood of a Christian celebrity reading what I post about him or her on a social media platform, I must question my motive for posting it.  Even if that person were to come across my post, what am I accomplishing? My time is better spent by privately going to a friend who may be affected by that person's ministry, rather than airing my disagreement publicly.

I was reminded of this recently. A friend of mine is a member of a church led by a pastor whom many consider controversial. I knew the swirling storm was hurtful to her; she has been wounded by people seeking to wound her pastor. I contacted to her express my sympathy for her pain. I don't know her pastor or anything about him, really. I do know my friend, and I ached for her. She was grateful to have someone reach out to her and although I didn't ask her about it, she told me what she has witnessed. Her reply reminded me that it's nearly impossible to see the full truth for the mud slung in a media (or social media) frenzy. And underneath all that mud is a church of believers splattered in the cross-fire. There are family members dirtied simply for standing beside their loved one. There is a person in need of a Savior.

And so am I.

The Point of Hospitality

The women in my church have been getting together roughly once a month for Sunday night socials. Different ladies open up their homes for a meal followed by a time of fellowship. These have been fun times to be together and a great way to get to know one another outside of Sunday morning. My turn as hostess will be in October, and I'm already starting to formulate plans in my head. While I am a planner by nature, there is another reason for thinking ahead so early.

Hospitality intimidates me.

I have the usual reasons. I'm an introvert. My house is small. I don't have a dining room table. I'm too busy with work. I'm more of a throw stuff in a crock pot with a can of cream of mushroom soup than a gourmet chef. And so forth and so on. In addition to these lame excuses, there's also a lingering fear in the back of my mind of "not doing it right", whatever that nebulous standard may be. So it's no wonder that I can get caught up in the "how to" of hospitality and forget "who" it's for. Therefore, it's worth refocusing on the big picture and asking, "What is the point of hospitality for believers?"

When we are too functional, we forget the point of hospitality in the home: fellowship, not entertainment. Don't let pride stop you from opening your home. Ignore the cat hair on the couch (or in the mac and cheese). It likely won't kill anyone as decisively as loneliness will.¹

Hospitality is not a house inspection, it’s friendship.²

As I was writing this post, this real life example of true hospitality came to mind:

One of the sad realities of being a single parent is you spend some of your holidays alone. I was fully prepared to be by myself that first Christmas several years ago. But as I was talking with the wife of a family who had just started attending the church, she asked what I was doing on Christmas Day. When she heard I was on my own, she insisted that I join them for dinner because "no one should be alone on Christmas." This family among others made sure I was never alone on subsequent holidays. Looking back, I was probably lonelier than I realized or would admit at the time. It wasn't about the food, although it was delicious, or how stylish the table was set. It was about opening their hearts and homes to a sister-in-Christ who needed friends that day. As the recipient, I was greatly blessed, but I think my hosts were equally blessed through this simple act of reaching out. And as the saying goes, it was the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

So this is what I need to remember whenever I feel intimidated by hospitality. It isn't about trying to impress but serving those who are gathered around the table no matter what's on the menu. It is extending friendship through an open heart and home no matter the venue. And through hospitality, community is strengthened, and God is glorified.


1. Openness Unhindered, Chapter 7 - Community, Rosaria Champagne Butterfield, Crown & Covenant Publications, July 2015, pp. 160. (emphasis mine)

2. Why Scruffy Hospitality Creates Space for Friendship, Jack King, May 21, 2014.

Something worth fighting for

I love the local church, and I stand by everything I've ever said or written about my faith family. But Christian community isn't always easy. It requires commitment, perseverance, and sometimes it's necessary to roll up one's sleeves and fight for it. But the fight may not be against another person. I've learned that the battle is often against myself.

Last year, I was dealing with issues from the past, events that took place long before I started attending my church. Opening old wounds you thought were healed is never pleasant, but added to that was the sense that I was alone in this one. As far as I knew, I was the only member who had gone through an experience such as this. I had also been hurt by well-meaning people the first go around. So to avoid a repeat, I decided that I had better tough it out on my own. As a result, I found myself becoming defensive. Not toward anyone in particular, but it was a gradual internal distancing, the raising of a mental and emotional barrier to protect myself. Of course, I tried to keep this hidden behind a smile, but it was hard, and I could feel the pressure building inside.

At least there was one person I could talk to - my daughter. Her response was, "Mother! This is Grace¹ we're talking about. You know these people." And she was right, but I was still afraid. Afraid of rejection, misunderstanding, and above all, I didn't want to get hurt again. But it got to the point where I had to call out for help. And guess what? I got it. I received wise, compassionate counsel and much-needed prayer. As I opened up bit by bit, there was love and genuine concern. All my fears of what might happen were unfounded.

But isn't this often the case? The things we dread never come to pass because the driving force behind the fear was just a cleverly fabricated lie. In my case, a lie that caused me to sell my brothers and sisters and, in reality, the Lord short. So to combat the lies, there was only one thing to do. Get in the fight by preaching the truth to myself:

- There is no odd man out in the body of Christ. There is no one who has an identity that is other from the rest. It's no wonder Paul reminds the Ephesians that there is one body, one Spirit, one hope, one Lord, one faith, one baptism, and one God and Father when he admonishes them to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. The family of God shares a common identity - in Christ. (Eph. 4:3-6)

- Lack of common experience doesn't mean there is a lack of love or a desire to understand. When one member suffers, the body suffers. When one member rejoices, the body rejoices. (1 Cor. 12:26-27)

- Without the gospel, our differences would divide, but if we look at one another through the gospel lens, those differences become facets that reflect God's providence.² We can praise Him together for the specific ways in which He has made, saved, and sanctifies each of His children. (Eph. 2:11-22)

- We don't bring our meager resources to the table and hope there is enough to go around. We are called to love, but He has loved us first. We are called to bear with one another, but He has borne with us. We are called to forgive each other, but He has forgiven us. (Col. 3:12-14)

So I share this with the hope of encouraging you to persevere in the local church. It's not always easy and hard work at times, but if Christ loves the church and laid  down His life for her, isn't she worth fighting for?

                                                                                                                                                       
1. My church's name is Grace Baptist Chapel or Grace, for short.
2. Made for More, Hannah Anderson, Moody Publishers, 2014, pp. 146-147.

When Church is Challenging

A little more than two years ago, my husband and I made a decision to leave our church. We'd spent 18 years celebrating, mourning, growing, and living with a wonderful group of people. We stood in the parking lot in tears after informing our pastor we were leaving. Anticipation accompanied grief, as we wondered where the Lord would providentially direct us. There were no local options; we would have to travel to find the place we were looking for. The third church we visited was located in a community 45 minutes away. It is the family to which the Lord brought us.In the past two years, we have learned some important lessons about church and about ourselves.

It has been hard.

There are many, many wonderful things about our church. Being joined with this body of believers has been good. Despite the protestations of the current church culture, difficulty and goodness are not mutually exclusive. They are often woven together inextricably. We know - we cling to - this truth. It sustains us when we might otherwise feel like giving up.

Feeling connected is one challenge we face. The daily-ness of Monday through Friday makes it easy to put relationships on the back burner. I text a couple of ladies periodically, but for the most part I am so wrapped up in my own life and family that I don't make the effort to build new friendships. I've not had to make such an effort before, but it is a glaring reality now. We have virtually no contact with our church family from Sunday to Sunday. No running into each other at school events, in the grocery store, or on the ball field. No spontaneous lunch or dinner dates. No "I was in the neighborhood" visits. The reason we sometimes feel entirely disconnected from the church community is that we are not part of its surrounding community.

Another challenge is our level of involvement. In our former church, my husband served as a deacon. We were active in the choir, in teaching Sunday School, and as members of various committees. Our daughter was a leader in the youth group. Being so active was a large part of our identity that we planned to bring with us. It didn't take long to realize that adding 1 1/2 hours to any meeting or activity is an obstacle that is sometimes too difficult to overcome, especially considering my husband spends roughly 11 hours commuting to work each week. Service shouldn't necessarily be convenient; nor should it be impractical. I fear that our lack of participation has been seen as reluctance because people don't fully understand the extent to which we are hindered by time and distance.

So yes, it has been hard. Yet we have made a covenant with this church family. A covenant that requires us to be committed church members. I thought I knew what a committed church member looks like; in the past, all I had to do was glance in the mirror. However, the Lord is showing me that my notions - while not wholly inaccurate - were far from complete. Being committed to a church is much more than regular attendance and leadership positions.

In his book What Is a Healthy Church Member?, Thabiti Anyabwile writes that the expressions of a committed member are: regular attendance (Heb. 10:24-25), peace-seeking (Rom. 14:19), edifying others (1 Cor. 12, 14), warning and admonishing others (Matt. 18:15-17), pursuing reconciliation (2 Cor. 5-18-21), bearing with others (Gal. 6:2), preparing for the ordinances, and supporting the work of the ministry (2 Cor. 8-9).

Dietrich Bonhoeffer also sets forth the ministries of those committed to the Christian community in his classic Life Together: The Classic Exploration of Christian in Community. They are: holding one's tongue (James 4:11-12), meekness (Rom. 12:3), listening, helpfulness, bearing (Col. 3:13), and proclaiming (James 5:20).

As I think about these characteristics - these charges - I'm learning that my commitment to the church is not measured by how many positions I hold or the number of committees I serve on. In fact, it's not measured by any thing I do. Rather, it is only the grace of the Holy Spirit expressing itself in my life that demonstrates my commitment to the church family where He has placed us.

"The church isn't a circle of friends, but the family of God," writes Michael Horton (source). When I first read that statement, I thought it sounded harsh. As I've continually pondered it, I've realized that Horton is exactly right. In our former church, we were more than friends with our fellow members; they comprised our entire social circle.  Bonhoeffer writes that the Christian "...belongs not in the seclusion of a cloistered life but in the thick of foes. There is his commission, his work." We had insulated ourselves from the secular world. As we've emerged from the church cocoon, the harshness of that reality has hit us with overwhelming force. We find ourselves stumbling, but reaching for God's strength all the more.

I knew joining a church that isn't local would be challenging, but I thought it would become easier with time. Two years later, my family is still wrestling. Perhaps we always will. While we love our pastor and our congregation, I must admit that if we thought of church as only a group of friends we would not have made this choice.  Knowing that our Sovereign God has joined us with this family, that we have a responsibility to them (and they to us), that we are part of a true church, and that He is sanctifying us in the process - these are what we thank Him for.   

It is easily forgotten that the fellowship of Christian brethren is a gift of grace, a gift of the Kingdom of God that any day may be taken from us, that the time that still separates us from utter loneliness may be brief indeed. Therefore, let him who until now has had the privilege of living a common Christian life with other Christians praise God's grace from the bottom of his heart. Let him thank God on his knees and declare: It is grace, nothing but grace, that we are allowed to live in community with Christian brethren.

(Bonhoeffer)

Serving in the Local Church

Lisa encouraged us to see the people in the church and serve them for the Lord's sake and for His glory. In this post, we will be sharing the different ways we labor for the Lord in our home churches. We hope this will encourage you in your service as well.


Persis:

I've been a member of a Reformed Baptist church since 2008. There are less than 100 members, so there are plenty of opportunities to chip in. I help out in the ever-growing nursery once a month and play the keyboard alongside other musicians as part of the music team. I also facilitate a small group of middle-aged women who meet every other week. We've studied books of the Bible and read books together. Currently we are finishing Made for More by Hannah Anderson. This has been a great way to get to know my sisters. We've had thought-provoking discussions and have been able to support one another in prayer. Some younger ladies have joined us at times, so it's not always strictly middle-aged.

Lastly, my primary area of service is Deacon of Library and Resources. I work mainly with the pastor to keep the church library updated with books that complement sermon series and Sunday school topics. I am also on the lookout for books which cover a range of subjects including current issues, theology, and those which help put our faith into practice. I love sound Christian books and take great joy in helping to provide these resources for my brothers and sisters. I'm also responsible for sending out the weekly prayer list and keeping the church calendar up to date.

I'm thankful for my church family and opportunities to serve. I'm also thankful for the elders who encourage the members to use the gifts God has given them for the benefit of the whole.

Kim:

I have been a member of my non-denominational, Baptist-leaning church since 1996. Our church has grown since then, to over 300 people. It's become big enough that I am beginning to see lots of faces I don't recognize. We have two services on Sunday morning, and it can be difficult to get to know everyone.

Since joining, I have served in quite a few areas, but mostly teaching capacities, and that is where I am now. We are fortunate to have five ladies' bible studies available: two on Sunday, and three which meet twice monthly at different locations. I have a class of about 17 eager students ranging from women in their 70's to young women with toddlers. Some of my students were once my students when I taught teenagers, and that is really neat to see how they have grown and are becoming godly women.

I also help out with the young mom's bible study, usually in the nursery. However, currently, I am filling a teaching need, but when September comes, I'll return to the nursery. There is always a need for nursery workers, and it's fun, too! I have really enjoyed teaching this group for the past few weeks. Some of the same faces have shown up in my Sunday school class. The format for the young moms' study is much less formal, and there is a lot more discussion, but these young women have a desire to know God's word, and that's exciting.

I'm really thankful that my church has so many opportunities for service.There is something for everyone, and I've never lacked for something to do.


Melissa:

"Being a Christian is a personal matter, not a private one. When you are born again, you are born into a family." - Mark Dever

"The health of the local church depends on the willingness of its members to inspect their hearts, correct their thinking, and apply their hands to the work of the ministry." - Thabiti Anyabwile

Two years ago this month, my family visited our current church home for the first time. It's a small PCA church with approximately 100 members. Prior to that, we were in a substantially larger Southern Baptist church. Through the years I've taught Sunday School (adult and youth) and Vacation Bible School, led women's Bible studies, served in the nursery, choir, and women's ministry teams. I've also gone on mission trips to New Jersey, Texas, and Peru.

Our current church does not have many of the programs and committees that we were accustomed to in a larger church. It's taken a while to find our niche. This year, my husband and I have taught elementary Sunday School together. I must admit, doing so was out of my comfort zone (I'm much better with youth); however, the Lord has been gracious. We've learned a great deal and had entirely too much fun. I also serve on the women's ministry committee.

A personal ministry I enjoy is sending cards to church members. I love to write encouraging notes and prayers to the members of my family. Often, I find myself encouraged as I remind them of God's love, provision, and promises.

(NOTE: The quotes I shared both come Thabiti Anyabwile's book, What Is a Healthy Church Member?, which I've found to be an invaluable resource.)

Lisa:

Like Persis, I attend a small church where opportunities to serve are many and varied. They are also often beyond my comfort zone! I rock babies in our ever-growing nursery once every few weeks and I teach the children during one eight week community group rotation each summer. And, if we’re being honest, it’s a long eight weeks for me and the kids both! Teaching children would not be my chosen area of service but I’m glad to serve both the future generations of my church as well as their moms. However, I draw the line—a hard line—at any and all crafts! :)

In a small church the hospitality opportunities also abound. The ladies of my church have monthly fellowships and I enjoy taking my turn either leading the devotion or hosting the fellowship in my home. An important part of our community group model is a fellowship meal so I also take my turn providing food for the community groups my family participates in and for other church events. One of the most exciting ways I am currently serving my church is through a committee charged with choosing the interior and exterior finishes as well as appliances and fixtures for our new church building currently under construction.

While it is not a direct ministry of my local church, I teach a community Bible study for women and it is my privilege to serve my church girlfriends who attend or listen via our podcast.

Having grown up in a rather large “mega” church, the small church has been something of a culture shock for me but I love it. I love my church and I love serving my church family in any capacity open to me, from text conversations about spiritual issues to laughter with friends around my kitchen table. Truthfully, I have been challenged by the need to serve outside my preferences and outside what I perceived my gift or talent to be. But the Lord is faithful and not only has He shown Himself sufficient in the sanctifying process but He has taught me how we the church are partakers together of grace as we love and serve one another.

Rebecca:

I attend a small Baptist church—small by North American big city standards, anyway, but it's probably one of the larger churches in my town. We've grown a lot over in the past few years, and if you show up late for the service you may have to squeeze in a pew to find a place to sit. And for the first time in my life, there are people who regularly attend my church whose names I don't know.

Officially, I serve as church librarian. This requires that I spend an hour or so a month keeping books organized, and several hours a month reading and reviewing a book for the church newspaper. Like Persis, I also purchase new books, so I'm always on the look out for books that will help fill out our collection. When I took over the library, it was rarely used, but now, while it's not used as often as I would like, it is used regularly.

I'm also a choir member, which requires me to attend choir practices whenever they are scheduled and sing on Sunday morning whenever we're slated to sing.

Unofficially, because I have 4 toddler grandchildren who attend, you'll find me in the nursery on at least two Sundays a month. While I may not know all the grown-ups in my church, I do know most of the under three crowd, along with their parents.  Knowing all these young families is one of the bigger blessings in my life right now.

Why I love the local church

It will be seven years next month since I've been a member of my church. It's hard not to get teary-eyed when I think of the journey that led up to that day. It's also hard not to get teary-eyed as I write this and think of what this group of believers means to me. If you asked me 10 years ago whether I would darken the door of a church again, the answer probably would have been, "What!? Are you kidding?" Yet here I am today, a member in good standing of a local church.

There was a good chunk of time when my family thought we just needed us and Jesus. We had been through a difficult church situation and pretty much threw the baby out with the bathwater. I would strongly discourage anyone from going lone ranger for Christ now, but I am grateful that God was greater than the choice to do so. While this doesn't excuse sin, He uses all things to achieve His purpose, which included bringing me back into Christian fellowship again.

So here are some reasons why I love the church and specifically my local church:

- After being a Christian for 40 years, I finally heard the clear presentation of the gospel for the first time. Oh how sweet and freeing it was to realize that Jesus not only paid the penalty for my sin but also provided the perfect righteousness I so desperately needed. This message continues to be proclaimed week after week.

- This is the place to receive the means of grace. After being spiritually malnourished, sound preaching Sunday after Sunday and regular celebration of the Lord's Table are feasts for my soul.

- This is where the one anothers of scripture are put into practice. Love one another, exhort one another, pray for one another, and the list goes on.

- "[B]eing united to one another in love, they have communion in each others gifts and graces, and are obliged to the performance of such duties, public and private, in an orderly way, as do conduce to their mutual good, both in the inward and outward man."¹ Suffice it to say, I have received abundantly from the gifts and graces of my brothers and sisters.

- Because of the gospel, I am united with those for whom Christ died and with those He loves. My lone-ranger days are over for good. And though we haven't arrived yet, we share in the promise that He will present the church to Himself without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, for which He gets all the glory. (Eph. 5:27)

… to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen. Ephesians 3:21

Now that I've shared why I love the church, it's your turn. Why do you love the church? Please share in the comments section.

1. 1689 London Baptist Confession of Faith, Chapter 27 Of the Communion of the Saints

Strengthening the tie that binds

Blest be the tie that binds

Our hearts in Christian love;

The fellowship of kindred minds

Is like to that above.

Kim's post last week on the heels of my pastor's sermon on Acts 2:42-47 got me thinking about relationships in the local church. I love my church, and we care for one another very well. But if the standard is Jesus' command to love one another as He has loved us (John 13:34-35), who would dare say they do this 100% of the time and have no need for improvement? If I carefully examine my own life, I'm convicted of how often I fall short. So as I've considered this subject, here are a few ways that may help us strengthen the tie that binds. (Disclaimer: These suggestions are coming from an introvert's point of view. Any extroverts out there, please be patient with me.)

Don't wait for "them" 

Why don't "they" (the elders/ministry leaders) start a program, change the church culture, or just do something? Have you thought this? I have. It's easy for me to hang back and wait for "them" to take the first step, but I don't do this in my family. I don't wait for a committee to institute a program before I go to my daughter or pick up the phone to call my sister. If the church is the family of God, which it is, shouldn't I treat them like family?

Be sensitive 

This is a converse to the previous point. We should encourage one another to step forward and inch our way out of our comfort zones, but it's not always easy. In fact it can be very difficult for those who are shy or just feel awkward. There may be folks who dread speaking in a group for fear of asking a stupid question or giving the wrong answer. May we be sensitive and not expect others to interact in the same way or with the same ease that we do. This is a practical way to think of others more highly than ourselves and put their needs first. (Phil. 2:3-4)

Be patient and persevere

If social media is our guide, face-to-face connections can seem slow to cultivate and hard work to maintain. I can "friend" and "follow" with a click of the mouse and "unfriend" and "unfollow" just as easily, if it doesn't suit me. It's not so easy in the local church. Life in 3-D can be a blessing, but it can also be messy. Yet I've made a covenant to pursue the well-being of this local expression of the Bride of Christ, which requires patience and perseverance. I don't expect my familial relationships to fly at the speed of Facebook, so why would I put time constraints on relationships in the church? And perhaps what I deem a mess is the very thing God is using to sanctify us and strengthen our ties, not only with each other, but to Him?

What ways do you strengthen the ties in your local church? Please share in the comments section so we can all be encouraged.

Thankful for the Body

From Dietrich Bonhoeffer's classic, Life Together: The Classic Exploration of Faith in Community

In the Christian community thankfulness is just what it is anywhere else in the Christian life. Only he who gives thanks for little things receives the big things. We prevent God from giving us the great spiritual gifts He has in store for us, because we do not give thanks for daily gifts. We think we dare not be satisfied with the small measure of spiritual knowledge, experience, and love that has been given to us, and that we must constantly be looking forward eagerly for the highest good. Then we deplore the fact that we lack the deep certainty, the strong faith, and the rich experience that God has given to others, and we consider this lament to be pious. We pray for the big things and forget to give thanks for the ordinary, small (and yet really not small) gifts. How can God entrust great things to one who will not thankfully receive from Him the little things? If we do not give thanks daily for the Christian fellowship in which we have been placed, even where there is no great experience, no discoverable riches, but much weakness, small faith, and difficulty; if on the contrary, we only keep complaining to God that everything is so paltry and petty, so far from what we expected, then we hinder God from letting our fellowship grow according to the measure and riches which are there for us all in Jesus Christ. (p. 29)

No church is perfect. Sometimes it is difficult to be thankful for a group of sinners and the inevitable conflicts, attitudes, tensions, and well, sins, that arise. And yet, the church is our community. It is perhaps the only place - other than our homes - where we truly belong, this side of heaven. Gratitude is one of the means for authentic community (Stephen J. Nichols, Bonhoeffer on the Christian Life: From the Cross, for the World (Theologians on the Christian Life), p. 69).

A couple of years ago Lisa wrote a post about loving her church. Her words were a balm to me while my husband and I were looking for a new church family. They remain with me to this day.

Today, I am thankful for my church family.

Encouragement doesn't have an age limit

Kim started an interesting thread on Facebook yesterday. She wrote that middle-aged women need the voices of older women who have experienced the challenges we are facing now. We need their wisdom. We need their advice. I agree completely, and this got me thinking.

Our responsibilities have changed as we've grown older. A few decades ago, it was praying the baby would finally sleep through the night or that potty training wouldn't result in too many tears on either side. Now it's the reality of aging parents with failing health or grieving their loss. We aren't trying to slim down post pregnancy but wondering what this year's mammogram or colonoscopy may uncover. When we were younger, there were new opportunities and new horizons. Now that we've approached or crossed the half-way mark, life is winding down, and it may not have turned out exactly as we planned. This can get disheartening, which is why we need support just as much as the young mom or newlywed. And besides, encouragement doesn't have an age limit.

If you have an older woman in your life who can speak into your middle-agedness, praise God. These sisters are a blessing to the church. Perhaps we need to be more active in letting them know we want and need to hear what they have to say.

Of course in an ideal church in an ideal world, there would be an older for every younger no matter how old the younger person is. But often this is not the case. So what are we to do?

I would humbly submit that God does not ask us to traverse the uncharted wilds of Middle Age alone even if there isn't an older woman to lead the way. He has given us the local church.

I may not have a senior sister who can give firsthand advice on how to love and serve my aging parents long distance, but I do have a faith family. These sisters and brothers may be half my age, but they can offer encouragement in the Word and point me to Christ. They may not fully understand my middle-aged woes, but that doesn't keep them from praying. Nor does it prevent God from hearing and answering their prayers according to His good pleasure.

So if God gives you the opportunity to be discipled by an older woman, go for it! But if this is not in His current providence, seek relationships with those He has already provided - your sisters (and  brothers) in your local church.

And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.

Hebrews 10:24-25

A Blank Check

In the youth small group I help lead, we’ve been working through Follow Me by David Platt. It’s been a good study so far.

A recent lesson talked about giving God a blank check with our lives. It’s a biblical concept. If God is God, and we owe everything to him, we must be willing to follow him wherever he leads. It’s picking up our crosses and dying to ourselves.

But once again, I was struck by how instantly we assume “blank check” equals “big ministry.” Part of this is the metaphor, but we tend to make these assumptions regardless. I surrender all. Here am I send me! And when we say that, we assume that we will be sent.

Most of us aren’t, though. We push the blank check across the counter to God, only to be miffed if he writes “nursery duty” in the line. We tend to assume we will be sent to do something public, but most of us will be quite ordinary. We are making casseroles for new moms and preparing the communion trays. So many little tasks need to be done for the church. So many ways we need to love those in our local church body. So many people in our neighborhoods and towns who think Christianity is just a list of dos and don’ts, who need to be told the good news of the gospel.

I’ve written on this before, and I’m sure I’ll write on it again. Anywhere, anything. Even if it’s humble, and even if it’s never noticed. But it’s never unnoticed by the One who calls us.

I like how Nate Palmer puts it in his book, Servanthood as Worship:

The call to servanthood is a call to worship God by serving others with joy, even when we are not thanked, even if we are mocked, and sometimes even when it seems our service does no actual good. In the absence of recognition, reward, or results, we can be satisfied with what God has done already, what he has promised to do, and whatever he may choose 
to do in the future. With regard to ourselves, God’s ultimate treasure and reward—eternal salvation—has already been given to us through Christ. Can we really ask more of God than this? With regard to those whom we serve, God has promised to make our efforts fruitful in his own time and his own way— one plants, another waters, but God gives the increase.

Our satisfaction should come from God, not in whether our ministries, however humble they may be, are noticed or even, to our assessment, as fruitful as we hope.

So neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything, but only God who gives the growth. (1 Corinthians 3:7)

Testimony

When I was about ten, a friend of mine asked me why Jesus died on the cross. I repeated the answer I had heard countless times, "Jesus died on the cross for our sins."

She heaved an exasperated sigh. "I know that's what the answer's supposed to be, but what does that mean?"

Her question stumped me, because to be honest, I didn't really know. But I didn't want to admit that to her. "You know," I bluffed. "He died for us. For the forgiveness of sins."

The thing is, both of us had grown up in church. Both of us had heard the gospel countless times. But we couldn't explain it at all—other than parroting back an answer we didn't understand.

I continued like that for quite awhile. While I did start to understand that Christ's death was a punishment that I deserved, I didn't let that truth change my life. If I ever felt convicted for my sinfulness, I took a quick tally of "good" things I had done. Like many people, I hoped that the good would somehow outweigh the bad. Like a lot of teenagers, I believed it would be easier not to sin when I grew up. And if I did meet some tragic fate, I also hoped I would have time to ask forgiveness before I breathed my last. Just in case.

And then in college, things quit working for me. It seems absurd to type the things that were going wrong at the time, but for my relatively charmed life, they seemed big. The boy I liked transferred schools and forgot about me before the college had faded in his rearview mirror. A fraternity picked my closest friends as their sweethearts but didn't pick me. Even then I knew that these things weren't real tragedies, but I no longer had anything to distract myself from the facts: I was a sinner, and I couldn't seem to fix it.

One Sunday in the midst of this dull, gray semester, I went to church. I didn't see much point in it, but I was a nice girl, and that's what nice girls did. And sometime during the sermon, I got it. I realized that if I could stop sinning on my own, then Jesus wouldn't have had to die. I understood for the first time the meaning of a word I had known and sung about my whole life: grace.

It's common for people like me to assume that the first time we accepted the gospel was the first time we heard it. But I know better. I was no doubt told the gospel hundreds and hundreds of times. I even remember thinking that it couldn't really be that easy. Surely there's something that I need to do. But no, I just needed to accept the gift.

Now I teach the youth at my church. Every now and then I'll ask them questions. How many of you think it will be easier to stop sinning when you're an adult? How many are worried that you'll die before you get a chance to ask God to forgive you? How many of you try to remind yourself of good things you've done when you feel bad about the bad things you've done? Sometimes a brave soul will even raise her hand.

But always, every chance I get, I tell them. I tell them that yes, they are sinners and they can't fix it. There is a solution, though. It's Jesus. He lived the life they should have lived and died the death they should have died. But he gives grace. It's a free gift that they just need to accept.

Some of them accepted this truth long ago. I rejoice for them, and remind them of the gospel they still need to hear. Some of them probably don't get it. Some of them might decide someday that they were never told. But sometimes, a hurt, humbled heart will be sitting in front of me, and they will be ready to hear why what they're doing isn't working. And since I don't know when that day will be, I tell them every chance I get.

Tearing Down the Walls

The ladies in my church were discussing what hinders in-depth relationships with each other. Several reasons were given such as busyness, poor time management, and needing to get to know one another. I agree these are valid concerns, but for me there was one underlying issue - fear of man or rather woman.

I'll share my struggles up to a point but nothing more because they might think I'm not very spiritual. I'll be myself to a certain degree but keep quiet about those things that might cause them to think I'm weird. They seem to have it all together, so no one could possibly relate to what I'm going through.

I don't mean to be presumptuous, so tell me if you are the exception, but I don't think I'm the only one who feels this way. So for any of you who are ready to tear down some walls, here's what I've been preaching to myself:

First of all, they and them need to be laid to rest. As in they are more spiritual, talented, outgoing, attractive, hospitable, [add your favorite adjective here]. It's not them. It's us. We are in this together, sisters, not in competition.

Secondly, what we share in Christ is greater than the multitude of measuring sticks we compare ourselves with. "The tie that binds" is more than a sentimental song with a good cry and a group hug. What binds us was bought with the infinitely precious blood of Jesus.

Thirdly, opening up our lives seems risky, but it's not a risk for God. When He saved us, it's a done deal from beginning to end. When He placed us in the local church, He didn't draw random names out of a hat. We are where we are and with whom we are with by divine appointment. He loves us too much to let us live in solitary confinement.

Lastly, our friendships matter. When new members join our church, they commit to "work towards the purity of the Bride of Christ." This happens through the preaching of the Word on a Sunday morning, but it also happens when the walls start to come down through open hearts and homes. This happens when we love one another in deed and truth along with our words and when we are humble enough to ask for prayer and admit we need the gospel, too.

Is it comfortable being vulnerable? Will our relationships always be perfectly amiable and free from misunderstanding? Is this a quick and easy process? No. But is it worth the time and cost to tear down our walls for the glory of God and the good of the church? Yes and amen.

Reconciliation

A few years ago I was on the outside looking in at a conflict between two sets of believers. It was a painful conflict, with hurt and anger and broken relationships all around. 

There was certainly sin on both sides of the issue, but from my vantage point it seemed that the side most at fault was getting the most sympathy, while the injured party was forced to take it on the chin. Since it was one of those messy situations where defending their honor would bring more dishonor in the long run, they suffered in silence.

I prayed a lot for that conflict. A. Lot. And I was quite specific on how I thought God needed to handle it. The person in the wrong deserved what we call around here a "come to Jesus" moment. A road to Damascus, Nathan-esque "YOU ARE THE MAN!" speech. I was generous, though, in telling God that the repentance could be private, but I did expect begging and tears. Justice demanded it.

Years have passed. The wound, which was once an angry red, is now somewhat healed, but the scar remains. Believers who should be joined in fellowship, whose encounters should be marked with joy, are stiff and polite. Everyone present is reminded of the hurt. It’s clear that the less right people are not going to believe the best of the less wrong people. And while the less wrong people could probably still try harder, they have decided to withdraw in hurt rather than make themselves vulnerable yet again.

Maybe it's just me, but I spend far too much time worrying about how other people need to repent. This case might be slightly more noble, because I was just a bystander. The justice I wanted was for someone else, not me. But before I get too far in the right versus wrong tally, I am forced to remember the times I have ridden in on my own high horse, with relationships so tangled that I can’t even think where things started to go wrong.

In Philippians, Paul tells Euodia and Syntyche to get along, and he doesn't say anything else about it. I don't mean to imply that Paul was against justice, but I think it's interesting that justice isn't mentioned. They are just to get along. The relationship is more important than who was right. This command is sandwiched between reminders in in 3:20-21 to keep focused on the Savior and the coming glory, and in 4:4 to rejoice. When conflicts come, do we focus on our common Savior, on how much we have been forgiven, or do we focus on who has the bigger part of repentance? We seem to wait for the other to do their part before we’re willing to bend.

Reconciliation is not just a Christian phenomenon. Non-Christians reconcile all the time. But there’s always an accounting. Non-Christians simply decide that the relationship is more important than being right. They weigh their options in the balance and see that what would be lost is far more valuable than what could be gained.

Only the gospel can allow reconciliation where it shouldn’t be. It’s only when we look to Jesus can we see that he absorbed all our hurt and pain on the cross. It’s only when we see what he suffered for us can we see that the scale will never be balanced by human endeavors. And so for his sake, and for his sake only, are we willing to forego justice for the sake of relationship. Even if the earthly price seems too high, we can look past that to the heavenly reckoning secured for us by Christ’s death and resurrection.

I wonder what heaven will be like, when all of us, with our petty grievances and disagreements, will be laid bare before the throne. We will stand, side by side, with those believers with whom we couldn’t get along. The hills we were so sure we needed to die on will be leveled by a holy gaze, and our right opinions will be purged of our pride and self-interest.

Will we remember what all the fuss was about, or will we be too busy worshiping before the throne?