12 Steps to a Happy Marriage

 "There is no more lovely,  friendly,  and charming relationship,  communion,  or company than a good marriage."     Martin Luther

When I  first considered  writing this blogpost I  said to Robert something to the effect,   “I think I  can sum up our marital felicity  these past 43 years in just two words:  'Christ and Grace’  - What do you think?”    Without hesitation he said,   “Honey,  I’ve never known you to say anything in just two words."  

On that note,  these are some things we've learned  together over the years.   

1.  LOVE GOD MOST

 “And He said to him, "'YOU SHALL LOVE THE LORD YOUR GOD WITH ALL YOUR HEART, AND WITH ALL YOUR SOUL, AND WITH ALL YOUR MIND.'  Matthew 22:37

A happy Christian marriage must be a Christ centered marriage.   If  you are a  single Christian  and have considered marrying someone who is not a believer  please read  2 Cor.6:14.  However,  if you’re already married to an unbeliever the Bible says to be content  and  stay put  (with the exception of  special circumstances like  infidelity or abuse).  I Cor. 7:13-14 

2.  CHERISH GOD’S WORD  

 “Your word I have treasured in my heart, that I may not sin against You.” Psalm 119:11

Always hold God’s Word in the highest regard.  The Bible is God's revealed Word and is without error.   It is the way God communicates with us and is completely sufficient to guide us in all  matters pertaining to godly living.  2 Tim. 3:16.  Read it.  Memorize it. Saturate your mind  with sound doctrine.  Test everything  in life against it. 

3.  PRAY, PRAY, PRAY  

 “Rejoice always,  pray without ceasing,  in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you”   1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Susannah Wesley,  mother of  the beloved hymnist Charles Wesley,  had 19 children, nine of which died in infancy.    She was noted for her fervent prayer life  but finding a quiet place for her was impossible.  Nevertheless,  that didn’t  stop her and her children knew it was time to be quiet when she threw her apron over her head to pray. 

4.  STAY IN CHURCH  

“Not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as the manner of some is; but exhorting one another: and so much the more, as ye see the day approaching.”  Hebrews 10:25

 Plug into a  good Bible teaching church and  be faithful to honor the Lord’s Day by  gathering with His people.  Don’t get flaky about this.     Too many Christians allow sports, recreation,  or a bad church experience to sabotage their corporate worship.     If you have children it is essential that they understand not only the Gospel and sound doctrine,  but why Sunday worship takes priority.  

5.  THE "S" WORD

“Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body.” Ephesians 5:22-23

Marriage is depicted   as a beautiful picture of Christ and the Church and is said to be a great mystery.     Wives are to submit to the authority of  their  husbands as the church submits to Christ and husbands are to love their wives  as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her.     Both commands  are tall orders,  right?     Showing mutual love and respect for one another is essential to any happy marriage. 

6. KINDLE THE ROMANCE

Like the warmth of a cozy fire,  love needs to be rekindled.    Whatever accomplishes that for you,  keep it up.    And never stop dating each other.   Even when  you're broke as a joke most of us can still scrape up a buck to get a cone at the Golden Arches.    Some of our sweetest dates  have been sitting in the car  with ice cream watching the sunset.  

 

7.  A WORD ABOUT THE KIDS

It goes without saying,  if God gives us children they are a great blessing and we are responsible to train  them up in the fear and admonition of the Lord.   We are all bound to  make some fumbles,  but one big mistake I've seen well meaning parents do is to create a child-centered home—one where everything revolves around the children's interests.   This is true for both married and single parents.   Our children will have a greater sense of security and be better prepared to face the world  when they understand they are not the center of the universe.   And we will also be better prepared for the empty nest.

 

8. FORGIVE QUICKLY

 “Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.”  Ephesians 4:32

Recognizing  that we are just  two  wretched but forgiven  sinners on this  pilgrim journey together really helps when we blow it.   We are all in need of compassion and forgiveness every day.   I’ve tried to make a habit of never going to bed angry,  but I know it's not  always easy to do.

 

9. DON’T EXPECT THE IMPOSSIBLE

I don’t know how other wives feel,  but I’ve had to resist expecting more from my husband than I should.   Regardless of how knowledgeable in the Scriptures or how kind  our husbands  may be,  they are not perfect and can NEVER fill the need  for us that only Christ can fill.   I love what Ruth Bell Graham  said:

  “It is a foolish woman who expects her husband to be to her that which only Jesus Christ Himself can be: always ready to forgive, totally understanding, unendingly patient, invariably tender and loving, unfailing in every area, anticipating every need, and making more than adequate provision. Such expectations put a man under an impossible strain”  

 

10. CULTIVATE GODLY FRIENDSHIPS

“He who walks with wise men will be wise, But the companion of fools will suffer harm.”  Proverbs 13:20

This is so important.   God has blessed us with many wonderful Christian friends  over the years who  have encouraged us and sharpened us spiritually.     Like my mom used to say,  “Show me who your friends are, and I’ll show you who you are.”     Who we hang out with will have a big impact on how we think and how we treat our spouse.

 

11.  TRUST GOD IN THE STORMS

“God is our refuge and strength, A very present help in trouble.”  Psalm 46:2

One of my life verses is  Job  5:7   “man is born unto trouble as the sparks fly upward”.    A healthy  marriage will endure the whole gamut of troubles including money, family conflicts,  church problems,  illness, death—you name it.    Run to God  and trust in His sovereignty over all of it.  

 

12.  THINK POSITIVE

“A joyful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit dries up the bones.”  Proverbs 17:22

David Murray writes,  " Christian hope is a realistic expectation of and joyful longing for future good and glory based on the reliable Word of God." 1

The  Christian has every reason to  be cheerful.    Our sins have been forgiven and  we have an inheritance waiting for us in Heaven!  

 

 

1.The Happy Christian, by David Murray, pg. 92

 

No Label Necessary

The Christian cyberworld is inundated with articles on femininity and women's roles. At times I feel we've been reduced to the debate of complementarian versus egalitarian. Not that these aren't important issues to discuss, but sometimes I wonder if we get so caught up in rhetoric that we lose sight of Scripture. Lord, save us from that trap!

In preparation for the ladies' theology reading group I am blessed to lead, I revisited the story of Abigail found in 1 Samuel 25.  Abigail is explicitly praised for some of her attributes, but there is much more to observe and glean from this story. In fact, as I poured over the account of her meeting with David I realized it is a primer on God's design for women.

Abigail was discerning (v. 3). Scripture draws a stark contrast between Abigail and her husband, Nabal. Verse 3 tells us that she was "discerning and beautiful", but he was "harsh and badly behaved" (ESV). The Oxford English Reference Dictionary defines discerning as "having or showing good judgment or insight". Abigail knew that her husband was a fool (v. 25), but she did not allow his folly to affect her good judgment or to keep her from pleasing God. She was wise enough to realize that if David followed through with his plan to destroy Nabal, it would also be detrimental to David (v. 31). By approaching David, she saved both her household and the future king's conscience.

Abigail was beautiful. (v. 3) A truly beautiful woman will be discerning (see Proverbs 11:22).  While the author of 1 Samuel is referring to her physical appearance, this passage clearly indicates that Abigail had "the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit". (see 1 Peter 3:3-4)

Abigail was respected. (v. 14). One of Nabal's servants approached Abigail when he realized that Nabal had incurred David's wrath. Obviously, the servants knew that Abigail was discerning and could be trusted to handle the situation wisely.

Abigail protected her husband and his household (v. 24). Even though Nabal was a fool, Abigail quickly took action to persuade David not to carry out his plan. She accepted the blame for a wrong she didn't commit. She admitted that her husband was foolish, but she did not leave him to face the consequences of his actions.

Abigail was discreet (v. 33). David recognized her tact, her trustworthiness, and her ability to avoid disgrace (see Oxford English Reference Dictionary). She spoke to David candidly, but tactfully. Her behavior may have brought honor to Nabal, as the future king of Israel praised her.

Abigail was humble (v. 41). After Nabal's death, David wanted to make Abigail his wife. He recognized her value. He knew that she would be a woman to be praised, that she would bring him honor. Even though she had single-handedly saved their household, she bowed to David's servants and declared she would be a servant to wash their feet. She did not assume an air of authority or presume to be entitled to anything as David's wife. 

Sometimes labels are important. They let people know exactly what we stand for. Yet sometimes labels can do more harm than good. A woman who possess the qualities of Abigail needs no label to bring honor to her husband and to God.