The True Captain of My Soul

I am the master of my fate:

I am the captain of my soul.

These are the last two lines from the poem, Invictus, by William Ernest Henley. It's been quoted by many people throughout history as an expression of the tenacity and triumph of the human spirit. It also invokes the idea that no matter the odds, we have the ability to control our own destinies. While some may find this inspiring, this is terrifying to me.

During a past trial, I was faced with the grim possibility that the outcome of my future was solely up to me. There was no one nearby who could give me the help I needed. The loneliness and being at a complete loss felt worse than the situation itself. What if I made a wrong decision? Not only could I ruin my life but also the lives of others. I was a believer, and my concept of God was better than the absent deity in Invictus, but not by much. He was just one of many players in the drama with slightly more power but not enough to be fully in charge. But then in God's mercy, his sovereignty dawned on my soul like the sun breaking through months of emotional gloom. I began to cling to the hope that God was really in control even though circumstances wanted to convince me otherwise. There was a growing security I had never known before -  the knowledge that my life was in his hands instead of my own. 

Fast forward to a week ago. I may be facing another big change in my life. Nothing on the scale as my previous trial but with enough similarity to resurrect the past. Anxiety is also good at taking bad memories and extrapolating them into present day worst-case scenarios. The fear of being alone, yet again, was overwhelming, and my stomach began to knot up with the same visceral response. I knew objectively that God was, is, and will be faithful, but it was a struggle as the fears would rise, abate, and rise again. Stiff-upper-lipping one's self out of worry is impossible. I've tried it more times than I can count. But God is a compassionate Father who is able to minister to his children in just the right way and at just the right time.

My pastor was out of town, so the pulpit was filled Sunday evening by another brother who spoke on Psalm 139. These are familiar verses, but this time, they were fresh, living, and active, as the Holy Spirit took them and applied them straight to my heart.

O Lord, You have searched me and known me.
You know my sitting down and my rising up;
You understand my thought afar off.
You comprehend my path and my lying down,
And are acquainted with all my ways.
For there is not a word on my tongue,
But behold, O Lord, You know it altogether.
You have hedged me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is high, I cannot attain it.

God's knowledge of us isn't detached but intimate and bound up with his love and care. He knows our concerns before we voice them. He knows our sitting down and rising up and every mundane detail of our lives. He knows where we've been, where we are right now, and where we are headed in the future. Nothing is hidden from his gaze. He has seen us at our worst, and yet he has saved us. Time, distance, and even space cannot separate us from him. And as I heard these truths, the knot in my stomach began to loosen, and relief washed over my soul.

Afterwards, I thanked this brother and told him that his sermon was exactly what I needed to hear. He then shared that he had originally intended to speak on a different text, but Psalm 139 kept coming back to mind. All I can say is that this is further evidence of the Father's kindness to his poor struggling child.

So while there may be merit to Invictus as a literary work, thanks but no thanks to its worldview. I still don't know what my future will hold, but I am glad to be reminded again of who is the real Master of my fate and the true Captain of my soul. And I praise him that he knows me. It's no wonder that David writes:

How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How great is the sum of them!
If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand;
When I awake, I am still with You.

Update: Here is the link to Will Brown's sermon. 

In Need of Christmas

Christmas commercials and decorations started popping up on November 1st. The Hallmark Channel soon joined in with non-stop holiday movies. A local radio station began playing Christmas music. The Christmas season seems to come earlier every year, a fact which has troubled me in the past. I adore November, with its days of giving thanks, trees ablaze, and warm aromas. But this year I've already pulled out a favorite Christmas CD. I've thought about decorating. I've started my Advent reading.

I need Christmas this year.

College applications have been finished. The graduation annoucements have been ordered. The Senior portrait has been framed. The days with my girl in our home full-time are waning. Thoughts of watching Christmas specials and driving around town to look at lights ease the pain of seeing her wings unfurl. This is the last Christmas of my girl's childhood. It's beautiful and heart-breaking all at once.

I need Christmas this year.

Relationships strained by the gospel. Hurts and grievances both, unspoken. Wishing and wishing that I could just cry on Mama's shoulder.

I need Christmas this year.

One Thursday in October, we gathered with dear friends to celebrate the life of a father. The next Thursday, we stood beside those same friends in a blur of uniforms and crime scene tape as the coroner drove away with two more loved ones. It was, and is, surreal. I've never felt so completely helpless. I ache for their loss.

Oh! how I need Christmas this year!

A dozen years ago, my husband and I visited a friend in Paris. We walked through the Louvre, looked out from atop the Eiffel Tower, strolled the streets of the beautiful City of Lights. Today those same streets are lit with candles to honor those who lost their lives at the hands of terrorists. People who were enjoying an evening out, not knowing it would be their last.

Yes, I need Christmas this year.

Not the shopping lists or the decorations. Not the holiday movies or music. What I desperately need is the Christ of Christmas. I need to know that my worries of a girl leaving home, my sorrow for broken relationships, my grief for friends (and their much, much deeper grief), and my fears of the evil of this world have all been taken care of by a baby born in a manger. It's the most unlikely tale the world will ever hear, this story of Christmas. It is the best news a weary woman - indeed, a weary world - could receive. And yet even Christians have romanticized Jesus' birth to the point that I wonder if we truly recognize the full wonder of it. The baby heralded by angels and greeted by shepherds changed the fate of the world. Martyn Lloyd-Jones writes,

When the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords came into this world, he came into a stable. If you do not feel a sense of holy laughter within you, I do not see that you have a right to think that you are a Christian. Thank God, this is gospel, this is salvation. God turning upside down, reversing everything we have ever thought, everything we have taken pride in. The mighty? Why he will pull them down from their seats. He has been doing so. He is still doing so. Let any man arise and say he is going to govern, to be the god of the whole world; you need not be afraid - he will be put down. Every dictator has gone down; they all do. Finally, the devil and all that belong to him will go down to the lake of fire and will be destroyed forever. The Son of God has come into the world to do that. (as quoted here)

Tears fill my eyes as I read those words. Yes, time passes too quickly, those we love often wound us deeply, people die unexpectedly, and our enemy prowls about like a roaring lion (see 1 Peter 5:8), but Jesus' birth and his death give us hope in the midst of this fallen world. This is the truth of the gospel, the reason I need Christmas not just this year, but every year.

But when the fullness of the time came, God sent forth His Son, born of a woman, born under the Law, so that He might redeem those who were under the Law, that we might receive the adoption as sons. Because you are sons, God has sent forth the Spirit of His Son into our hearts, crying, “Abba! Father!” Therefore you are no longer a slave, but a son; and if a son, then an heir through God.
Galatians 4:4-7 (ESV)

Trusting God with Our Money Troubles



“I envied the arrogant when I saw the prosperity of the wicked”

The American Psychological Association recently conducted a study of more than 3,000 adults  to determine the effects of  stress  on people’s health.   They discovered that money was the leading cause of anxiety in America,  in spite of the fact that we are one of the wealthiest countries in the world.  Financial worry outpaced concerns about work, relationships, and health.

“Nearly three quarters (72 percent) of adults report feeling stressed about money at least some of the time” 1

 When  Christians  experience  money trouble we can rest knowing  the Lord does not want us to lie awake  at night worrying.      And we  know this  is true because  Jesus told His disciples not to worry about their material needs.  (Matthew 6:25)  Likewise,  Paul also  tells us to be anxious for nothing  and to pray about everything.  (Philippians 4:6).   The purpose of this post is not to suggest  resources to help  solve  a financial crisis,  but rather to consider  how we can  minimize  anxiety and maintain a Biblical perspective when going though one.   

Granted,  when  our financial  problems  are self-inflicted we probably want to flog ourselves,  but we need to accept God's forgiveness if necessary,   learn from it,  and move on.     Even those situations are under God's sovereign control and are designed to work  for our good in the end. (Romans 8:28)    But sometimes  no matter how well we try to plan and budget,  unforeseen circumstances  can come up  and we find ourselves in way over our head.    

A major financial reversal  can be every bit as sanctifying  as  other kinds of trials because  it's humbling  and  it forces us  to depend on  God.    I know it’s not easy  keeping calm when the bills are stacking up,   but  learning  to trust the Lord  in  times of  uncertainty is one of the things that sets Christians apart from world.   "For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things;  for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things.”  Matthew 6:32.  

Another problem  with stressing  about  money  is that we can be tempted to covet and envy others.    Asaph was a Levitical choir director who made this mistake  and his envy  led  him to  utter despair and bitterness.

“But as for me, my feet had almost slipped;   I had nearly lost my foothold.  I envied the arrogant when I saw the prosperity of the wicked. They have no struggles;  their bodies are healthy and strong   They are free from common human burdens;  they are not plagued by human ills.”  Psalm 73:2-5

He had falsely believed these people had it all together because they were wealthy and healthy and he just couldn’t grasp why he, being righteous, had to struggle.

“When I tried to understand all this, it troubled me deeply till I entered the sanctuary of God;  then I understood their final destiny.”  (vs.16-17)

When Asaph turned to the Lord  he realized that God had set those he had envied “in slippery places” and they were headed for destruction.    In the end he came to his senses and rejoiced in the knowledge that God was all he had,  and all he would ever  want or need.

“Whom have I in heaven but You?
And besides You, I desire nothing on earth.

My flesh and my heart may fail,
But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”  (vs.25-26)

Just as “God is good to Israel”,  He is also good to us.   The Lord  doesn’t  promise  us health and wealth,  but  He knows our needs better than we do and  instructs us to pray,  “Give us this day our daily bread”.     He  wants us to  depend completely on Him  because He  is our strength and portion regardless of our circumstances.

1.Stress in America: Paying With Our Health - February 2015



Remembering the Truth in a Time of Cultural Crisis

After 9/11, I was a basket case. The unthinkable happened on American soil, and I was terrified of what would happen next. To keep the panic at bay, no news was good news, so I wouldn't watch TV or listen to the radio. I even averted my eyes when I happened upon a newspaper at the grocery store. Though I had been a Christian for many years, my knowledge of the Scriptures and specifically God's character was weak. Therefore, it was no wonder I had nothing to support me when the towers fell.

Fast forward 13 years.

Diane mentioned in her post yesterday that the moral landscape of our country has been altered beyond recognition since 1973, and it is still undergoing upheavals even within the last three weeks with no respite. Just in the last 24 hours, the news regarding Planned Parenthood reveals an attack on all that is righteous and good, and it is horrifying. Physical buildings may not be falling this time, but "if the foundations are destroyed, what can the righteous do?" (Ps. 11:3)

Unlike my reaction 13 years ago, I know I can't hide from the world in a bunker in the hills. I can't put my hope in circumstances, even as I pray for God's mercy and intervention. There is only one refuge that is safe and sure in this time of cultural crisis. I must run to God's Word and gird my mind and heart with these truths:

God has not abdicated His throne of righteousness

Your throne, O God, is forever and ever. The scepter of your kingdom is a scepter of uprightness; you have loved righteousness and hated wickedness. Ps. 45:2

"Wicked men question the very existence of God, who takes care of the world, who orders the affairs of it, and judges in it. And therefore they cast off the fear of God. Yet at the conclusion of the world He shall make His dominion visible to all, so that even those who have denied Him shall find, that God is their supreme Lord, and Lord of the whole world!"¹

In the midst of tribulation, Jesus has overcome the world

I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

"The unlimited dominion of King Jesus extends over . . . all things, all events, all circumstances, all people! All are subjected to the sovereign control of the King of kings and Lord of lords! Everywhere on this earthly globe--as far as waves roll, winds blow, sun shines, or stars hold on their nightly courses--does the scepter of Jesus sway the destinies, and control the designs and actions of men."²

The great commission still stands, and Jesus will be with us to the end

And Jesus came and said to them, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.” Matt. 28:18-20

"Oh, for the heart, the spirit, and the soul to avail ourselves of the golden opportunity, and to preach Christ where He has never been preached before! All Power, then, we can clearly see, over everything in this world has been given to Christ, and has been used for the propagation of His Truth! But, Brethren, let us recollect that Power is given to Christ in Heaven as well as on earth. All angels bow before Him, and the cherubim and seraphim are ready to obey His high behests. Power is given to Him over the plenitude of the Holy Spirit; He can pour out the mysterious energy in such abundance that nations can be born in a day! He can clothe His ministers with Salvation, and make His priests shout aloud for joy; He has Power to intercede with God, and He shall presently send out men to preach, presently give the people the mind to hear, and give the hearers the will to obey! We have in the midst of us today our Leader. He is not gone from us. "³

1. The Sovereign Ruler of the World, Jonathan Edwards
2. Jesus the Enthroned King, J.C. Philpot
3. The Missionaries Charge and Charter, Sermon 383, Charles Haddon Spurgeon, April 21, 1861.