The Place of Dependence

We live in a strange world, a world which presents us with tremendous contrasts. The high and the low, the great and the small, the sublime and the ridiculous, the beautiful and the ugly, the tragic and the comic, the good and the evil, the truth and the lie, these all are heaped up in unfathomable interrelationship. The gravity and the vanity of life seize on us in turn. Now we are prompted to optimism, then to pessimism. Man weeping is constantly giving way to man laughing. The whole world stands in the sign of humor, which has been well described as a laugh in a tear.¹ 

Herman Bavinck may have have written those sentences 111 years ago, but he could be describing the present. Life as we know it has changed drastically for the entire world. Every level of society has been impacted, and what we once knew may never return. I am more aware than I have ever been of the complex tangle of human lives, basic needs, information, and decisions that are "heaped up in unfathomable interrelationship."

In March, two pastors on Twitter asked if Christians would be willing to fast and pray for an hour on Friday afternoons regarding the coronavirus. I was gung-ho the first two weeks and eager to pray. The hour passed quickly as I prayed for everyone and everything I could think of. But as the weeks passed, the number of situations and people needing prayer seemed to grow exponentially. When the last prayer time rolled around, I began to think of government employees from national to local levels, medical staff and researchers, essential workers, the unemployed, the elderly, those with compromised health or mental illness, and the list went on and on. All these people so dependent on each other.  Some have positions of authority with decision-making power over many. But there are others previously overlooked who we are literally depending upon for our daily bread. So many people. So many lives. Any attempt to untangle these interrelationships would inevitably result in harm to someone because this is a no-win situation. These thoughts were too overwhelming, so I had to give way to the tears and lament that had been building up inside. The only words left to pray were, "Lord, you know."

In our inmost selves, we are immediately  -- without benefit of reasoning, that is, and prior to all reasoning -- conscious of ourselves as created, limited, dependent beings. We are dependent upon everything around us, upon the whole spiritual and material world. Man is a "dependent" of the universe. And further, he is dependent, together with other created things, and dependent this time in an absolute sense, on God who is the one, eternal, and real being.²

If our sole dependence rested on other fallible human beings, we would have good reason to fear. There is a limit to the best wisdom, knowledge, and skill any person can offer, and that "best" is still tainted with sin. But there is Someone greater, wiser, and more powerful undergirding our interrelationships and interdependence on each other. Someone on whom we truly depend. He is not the watchmaker god of the deists who winds the timepiece and observes what will happen from afar. Our God sees perfectly and judges righteously. His purpose will not waiver and neither will his love. He took on humanity that he might redeem us, purchasing pardon with his death and providing righteousness with his life.

As his children, we have an open invitation to the throne of grace. We are welcome to pour out our hearts in petition, but we are also free to come when we are too overwhelmed to even know what to pray.  We can come to the end of our rope and the end of ourselves in this place of dependence. A place where Christ accepts a feeble, "Lord, you know," and gives us assurance that he does.

For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin. Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need. Heb. 4:15-16 NASB

1. The Wonderful Works of God, Herman Bavinck, Westminster Seminary Press, 2019, pg. 29.
2. Ibid. pg. 27.
Photo attribution: Paulo Barcellos Jr. / CC BY-SA (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)

Review: Becoming Sage

Becoming Sage: Cultivating Meaning, Purpose, and Spirituality in Midlife by Michelle Van Loon, Moody Publishers, 2020, 201 pages.

When I was a young adult, I had dreams of what life would be like after the next 30-40 years. Now that I have reached this stage, hardly any of those expectations turned out as I had hoped. I could either be thrown for a loop or see this as an opportunity to grow. And this pursuit of Christian maturity in midlife is the topic of Michelle Van Loon's new book, Becoming Sage.

She writes that we often get the wrong idea that maturity is a given once we reach a certain age. We also get the wrong idea that discipleship is only for the young. But "maturity is not a destination but an on-going process." (pg. 10) This time of life with its disappointments and unexpected turn of events is an invitation to become sage - "a way of life in which a person expresses experience, knowledge, insight, and self-mastery." (pg. 11)

In the first section of the book, Michelle addresses defining and understanding maturity. Midlife is an opportunity to assess our Christian growth and see where we may have gotten lopsided. She describes discipleship models that emphasize one aspect of ourselves over the others leaving us imbalanced. For example, discipleship that is more imitation fueled by peer pressure or an overemphasis on mental knowledge that neglects character formation. However, true wisdom should be holistic and integral to all areas of our lives -  heart, soul, mind, and strength. She then uses the life of King David as an example of stages in our faith from its beginning through the end of life. As we age, the zeal, energy, and certainty of youth begin to be tested when our growth doesn't follow a neat and tidy trajectory. We also begin to realize that the strength of a younger faith won't automatically give us success later in life. But these challenges can bring humility, greater communion with God, and the desire to pass on what we know to the next generation.

The second section of the book focuses on becoming sage in specific areas in midlife and beyond. These are:

• the local church
• family
• friendship
• our physical bodies
• our legacy (financial and otherwise)
• mental health
• vocation
• facing our mortality

Within these topics, Michelle discusses issues such as finding one's place in a youth-focused church, the loss of a spouse and other family changes, loneliness, aging bodies, and financial challenges. She also addresses the importance of emotional health for our spiritual well-being and coming to terms with our callings.

Becoming Sage is not a to-do list or how to become a mature believer in 12 steps. Neither does the author make her experience prescriptive for her readers, which I greatly appreciate. Rather Michelle brings to our attention areas that are worth examining before the Lord in the light of his Word. Some of these are often overlooked when it comes to discipleship such as the challenge of aging bodies and the struggles of mental health. I especially liked chapter 9, From Doing to Being, on vocation. I could relate to her example of looking too often in the mirror of other people's expectations to discern direction for one's life. I was also encouraged that God does not waste any of our losses and that what moves us to tears may help clarify our callings. There was a good balance of personal examples and topic content, and the chapters flowed well together. Even though one isn't supposed to judge a book by its cover, I think the cover is beautiful.

So if you want to be encouraged to press on to spiritual growth in midlife, I highly recommend Becoming Sage.

Loving God heart, soul, mind, and strength is not separated into four different-but-related silos of our lives. Each is meant to be integrated so our one-and-only life is lived in growing communion with God. Becoming sage means becoming whole. (pg. 29)

I received a copy of this book from Moody Publishers. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission's 16 CFR, Part 255: "Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising."

Lessons from the Empty Nest

I read a book a few years ago, Unashamed by Heather Nelson, that undid me. Her chapter on parenting and shame deeply convicted me, and I went to my daughter in tears asking for her forgiveness. That undoing was the beginning of a positive change in our relationship. Better communication, better listening, and better understanding along with the help of a great Christian counselor. We're still learning and growing, but I am also aware of the times when I failed her and probably contributed to some of the issues she is presently dealing with. This knowledge is one of the reasons why I want to swoop in and make things all right thinking that perhaps I can make it up to her and undo the past.

This very issue came up in a recent conversation when I was beginning to worry about her, though I said nothing. Thankfully, my daughter could read between the pauses and picked up on my fear. She called me out to her credit. When I finally admitted that my desire to try to help her stemmed from wanting to make up for the past, she reminded me that I can't atone for myself. And she also gently reminded me that's why I need Jesus.

The gospel is the only remedy for mom guilt. I can't atone for my sins as a parent, which is why Jesus died. I could never be the perfect Christian parent, which is why Jesus lived. And his atoning work and righteousness revealed apart from the law is received by faith - in him - alone.

As hard as I tried and still try to be a good mom, God is her perfect parent, the all-wise, all-loving Father who is really responsible for all the details of her life. I will fail again, but He cannot. I will misjudge and misunderstand, but He sees and knows perfectly. My presence and influence are limited now. He never leaves nor forsakes. He restores. He renews. And the only way she could be disinherited is if her Father becomes displeased with the work of the Son.¹ As a middle-aged empty-nester, I need that fatherly care just as much.

They say you never outgrow being a parent. Well, you never outgrow being a child of God.


1. If you want to be encouraged, here are some messages on the doctrine of adoption. The source of that sentence is from the first talk by my pastor. (My struggles came to light the evening after the conference when adoption was fresh in my mind. God is so kind.)

(This post was originally shared on my personal blog in September 2019)