I say "interesting" stage of life because that sounds so much better than "confusing" or "depressing" or even "gloomy" or "melancholy" or just plain "down in the dumps."
You can just call me Eeyore. I'm just that much fun these days.
A funk, a struggle, a dark night of the soul, I don't know what it is, exactly, and I even hesitate to admit it to you because, really, there is no direct cause and effect, no circumstance I can blame and therefore fix, no ailment I can seek to heal.
And besides, I know quite well that some of you are enduring real heartache and real pain and your struggle is exhausting and demanding. I humbly esteem your perseverance and I am heartily ashamed of my pouting.
I want to get over myself. I have tried to snap out of it, to ignore it, to pull myself up by my bootstraps as it were. But no matter my approach or my self talk, the funk lives on.
While I can't name a cause and effect, I do think there are complicating factors. Winter, for one. February, to be more precise. My second son's senior year of high school and the year of last's we are experiencing. Some physical nuisances like headaches and the prescribed solutions and medications. The end of parenting as I know it in four short years and the transition therein. Who will I be then? I've lived so long in the today of my life doing laundry and taking kids to school that the tomorrow looming so close surprises and overwhelms me.
It's a mess. I'm a mess.
So I'm talking with my friend and lamenting my pitiful state of being (woe is me) and my friend reminds me that women's lives fall into seasons, who can know what God has planned for the next season that will bring hope and excitement?
Who can know indeed?
I well remember the early years of mothering, that season I was so sure at times would kill me. I survived but not without a healthy dose of repentance, humility, and grace. Much, much grace. And yes, hope and joy found me there.
I will survive this season in the same way, with a healthy dose of repentance, humility, and grace. Much, much grace. And, yes, I believe that hope and joy will find me here too! The Lord is faithful! I will hang on in hope and He will give me a new song for a new season, glory to His name...
Why are you cast down, O my soul,
and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
my salvation and my God
~ Ps. 43:5