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| Walking Through Twilight by Doug Groothuis |
A Wife’s Illness—A Philosopher’s Lament by Douglas Groothuis
Four years ago, Doug Groothuis’s wife Becky was diagnosed with a rare form of dementia that begins in the language centers of the brain. Becky Groothuis is in her early sixties and cannot read or write. She has lost most of her ability to speak, too. Sometimes she knows she wants to say something, but can’t find the words to express her thought. Losing language would be devastating for anyone, but as an author, editor, and speaker, Becky’s world was the world of words. Now all of this is gone.
Becky can no longer care for herself, either. She can’t accomplish even simple tasks because she gets confused. She can’t take her dog for a walk without getting lost. She has a hired caregiver, but still, much of the responsibility for her care falls on her husband Doug, who is a philosophy professor at Denver Seminary.
This book is a collection of his reflections on his experience walking through the twilight of a mind and a life—and of his marriage, too. Many of his reflections are expressions of sorrow for what his wife and he have lost. He found permission to lament and a pattern to follow in scripture: “[C]onsider the many psalms of lament, such as 22, 39, 88, and 90, as well as the book of Lamentations.” But it is Ecclesiastes, he writes, “more than any other book of Holy Scripture, [that] has given me the perspective and language of lament necessary for my own sad sojourn . . .. It is a deep well of tough wisdom for the weary and wasted soul.”
Still, even as he cries out in grief, Groothuis knows his time of anguish will not last forever. Most of the biblical laments are ultimately hopeful, and he grieves with hope, too. One day, he knows, everything will be made gloriously right. In the meantime, “God counts our tears before he takes them away . . .. Learning to lament is, then, part of our lot under the sun.” In this world, we will have sorrow. In this world, we will lament. But in the world to come, we will forever rejoice.
Walking Through Twilight is an excellent resource for anyone who is suffering, but especially forthose who are caring for a loved one who is ill and facing death. Doug Groothuis is a Christian philosopher, so his reflections are often philosophical and theological. This is not a weakness, but a strength, because almost everyone who experiences deep trials searches for answers to the troubling philosophical and theological questions that arise from their suffering. And when we are in the midst of tribulation, we long to find meaning in it.
Groothuis grapples with some of the hard questions, like “What do I do when I feel like I hate God?” He admits that he is sometimes very angry with God, but he has come to see that at the heart of his anger toward God is rebellion against him. When we are angry with God because of our circumstances, we are, in effect, saying that if we were God, we would do things differently—and better—than he is. This is, of course, is a ridiculous thought and an idolatrous one. Even though Groothuis understands this, his trust in God “waxes and wanes . . .,” he writes. “When I am outraged at God, I try to think of God in Christ hanging on a cross for me. This sometimes brings me back to theological and psychological sanity if not sanctity. I must work with what I have and seek more as I walk through the ever-darkening twilight.”
Another question he tackles in his reflections is “It is okay to give up—to stop fighting and praying for a cure for a disease?” He finds a piece of his answer in Ecclesiastes: “There is a time to search and a time to give up” (Ecclesiastes 3:6). “To go down fighting an unwinnable war . . . is sheer idiocy—and exhausting,” he writes. There is a time to surrender and accept the inevitable, a time to relinquish our efforts to change our situation and accept the outcome our loving God, who knows what is best, is giving us.
One practical feature of this book is an appendix with suggestions for readers who want to help those who are in the midst of suffering. Groothuis concludes this appendix with an invitation “I am but a babe in this loving skill, suffering well with others,” he writes. “Will you join me in the school of lament? Will you learn to sit on the mourner’s bench before God and with those whom you love?” Reading and learning from Walking Through Twilight is a one way to prepare yourself to suffer with your suffering friends.
Douglas Groothuis is professor of philosophy at Denver Seminary in Denver, Colorado, where he heads the Apologetics and Ethics masters degree program. He has written numerous books, including Christian Apologetics and, most recently, Philosophy in Seven Sentences.