The decision had been simple for my husband. It meant a better job, a better future for supporting our family. I, on the other hand, struggled, and though I submitted, it was grudging.
It was a difficult adjustment. We had moved to the place where my husband grew up. It was all familiar to him; it was an unfamiliar and lonely place to me. I had three small children, which can already make one feel isolated. I missed my parents desperately. For quite a few weeks, after my husband left for work in the morning, I would sit in my kitchen with its ugly wallpaper and cry. I would ask "Why have you done this, Lord?"
It wasn't easy fitting into our church, the one my husband grew up in. While I loved the preaching, I felt like a stranger in a strange land. There did not seem any place for me in this congregation, and I immediately sensed that I did not fit in. I was thankful for the fact that I did have children, because caring for them kept me from giving in to this dragging, sinking feeling, like I was about to slide into a big hole. I would think, "Lord, what is your will for me in all of this?"
A friend of my mother-in-law's suggested to me that I attend a workshop about how to study the bible. She knew I liked to study and read, and she was involved with the group, so I went. While I read the bible fairly regularly, I had never learned how to study my bible using inductive study methods. It was the beginning of something wonderful.
Over the course of the next couple of years, I poured myself into study. I began to learn the reality of II Timothy 3:16-17. I was being reproved, corrected, and instructed. I was being shown where I was sinning, and what to do about it. It was like having layers of crusty, dead weight pulled from me. One night, after bible study, I left the church thinking about the wonder that is the Bible. On that dark drive home, I felt a peace wash over me, slow and comforting, like warm water. It went through my head: "I may not know why I've been brought here, but if I'm in His word, I'm in His will." And I knew I was going to be okay.
God speaks through His word. Just think of what that means. The God of the Universe wants to talk to us! Yes, He speaks to us in Spirit and prayer, but His primary way of speaking is this amazing revelation we call Scripture. Through this struggle, I experienced two of my favourite verses from Psalm 119:
This is my comfort in affliction, that your promises give me life (Psalm 119:50)I'm at one of those times where the way seems a little murky. As I wade through the unfamiliar territory of having grown children, I often sit in the silence of my home, and ask, "Lord, what is your will for me now?" Some days, I am restless with these questions, but eventually, the answer comes to me as sure as the morning: I must be in His Word. I may wonder what my purpose is now that I am at this stage of my life, but I can be certain of this: I will be in His will if I am in His Word. And in His will is the best place to be.
It is good for me that I was afflicted, that I might learn your statutes (Psalm 119:71)